Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Sometimes reality hits me in the face, and I begin to realize once again that I am a completely different person than I was 6 years ago. 6 years ago I was a pregnant naive girl who just wanted to hold her baby girl, go on long walks with her, and plan her future with her. I just couldn't wait to see her face. The days inched by as my stomach (Oh, and my rear end) grew larger and larger. I had dreams.....I had a glorious future ahead of me that included my daughter's graduation and wedding and the grand children that she would bless me with. The biggest thing that I had to fear was labor....how WAS I going to get this child out? The thought scared me to my very core, BUT after she was out....life was going to be a "piece of cake", right?

Well, fast forward a few months, and we all know the rest of that story. Life has been anything BUT a "piece of cake". Life has been hard and scary, and at times it has just plain sucked! As much as I think that I'm slowly climbing out of the hole that I was thrown in....sometimes I get knocked back down, and the wind is once again completely knocked out of me.

Today is one of those days. I have felt it coming, but I never know what will be the final KICK that will send me flailing back to the ground. You see, I am a thinker...and it always gets me in trouble. I overanalyze EVERYTHING!! I think about life Pre-Emma and think about all of the friends that we had and all of the social gatherings that we were invited to, then I think about now and how alienated I feel. I feel like I have very few close friends right now...and those that I have do not live close to me. That is a lonely feeling. Then, I think about my friend who just lost her dog...not just any dog, but a very special loving companion that has helped her lonely heart over the years...and just like that....she is GONE:(. I worry that I do not know how to help my friend in the way that she has helped me SO many times. Am I not a good enough friend? It hurts my heart to know that she is hurting so much! Then, the one that is weighing heavy on my heart today....this morning I read about a little girl who took her final breath yesterday. She was 11 months old, and had never left the hospital. The family's one wish was to take her home just one day...it didn't happen. As I was reading, they had pictures showing that she was finally able to be held without any wires, and she finally had the wind in her face. And. I. LOST. IT!!! Completely and totally lost it! I should NOT read about those stories. I feel so badly for this family, and I immediately put myself in their shoes. I have this EXTREME fear of losing one of my children. I have planned Emma's funeral so many times in my head. I think of the time when the doctors told us, "her body is weak...we are not sure she will make it through this surgery, but she has to have it done" (the surgery was post transplant 10 days, and she was SOOOO sick). However, she made it....she endured the most difficult pain, and she pulled through. But, my mind can go back to those days in an instant....and I fear what lies ahead.

Why can't I pull through? Why does reality always suck me back down into that hole? Why DO children have to die? Why can't I have a crystal ball to look into my future to see that my babies will always be with me? Why is life so much more difficult today than it was 6 years ago...and why can't I just relax and enjoy today?

Sorry, I know that this post is dark, but it's what's on my heart today. Life was so much easier when I was unaware of all of the heartache in this world. My heart is heavy today for all of those who are hurting.


Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Oh I remember those days too. They arent as far away for me as they are for you, I only have almost 2 years since life was easy, children werent sick, I didnt know any that had died, and things were perfect. The trouble is, I didnt know they were perfect, I took it all for granted. Now I know how easy it was, but if things werent hard now, Id still be that mom that complained over the silly things, and was ignorant to what really is important.
Its hard though....
Thinking of you!

Terri H-E said...

Angie, I can only help by way of telling you that I get it. I feel that way in a different direction in my own life. My father died when I was 10. For 31 years now, I have been certain that every single time my mother has not answered the phone, not been where I thought she'd be, not seemed 100% vibrant, that death was right around the corner for her. Absolutely sure of it. It's not rational, but that doesn't mean it can/should be tamped down. My mom is nearing 80 and so this fear becomes a little more reasonable as she ages. But it is consuming at times.

I am with you.