Wednesday, March 28, 2007

It's going to be OK

Every now and then something happens in life that is a big AHA! 3 1/2 years ago I was living in a dark dark place. I have felt like I have missed out on so much with Emma. For everything that she has learned, and the personality she has acquired...there has always been a shadow still glooming over me. It's sad, I know. I have told myself over and over again that she is growing up so fast....I need to enjoy this time. Honestly, I have tried my hardest, but in the back corners of my mind I always have the fear of the unknown. The future honestly still scares the crap out of me. However, the last month or so I have been seeing sunshine every day and I know that it is going to be OK. Emma has already changed the world....and there is so much work left for her to do. She is amazing, and even if she never is able to fully verbally communicate (which I know that she will)...she IS going to be OK (and you know what...I am too!).

The last month I have enjoyed every single minute. I have just made myself realize that she is who she is, and I no longer think about the "what if's". That is my secret. Now, if you are reading this and you have a completely neuro-typical child it may perplex you as to why it has taken this crazy woman 3 1/2 years to finally embrace her beautiful little girl. Until you have walked in the shoes of another person it is difficult to judge the steps they have taken in their journey. My child is and always has been my world. I would do anything for her. I just feel like I am able to be a more complete mother to her that I have seen the light.

Here is just a glimpse into the wonder of my child....and one of the many reasons that I know she is going to be "OK" in this crazy world:

Today, as Em and I were driving to school in the snow on a very gray day. My little ray of sunshine in the backseat made me smile:). The song Beautiful by James Blunt was on the radio. Emma (who has limited speech) started calling "Mama mama mama". I looked at her in the rearview mirror and she said "Emma" and signed the word beautiful. As tears filled a proud mama's eyes I said, "Yes, you are sweetheart".

These are the moments that make it all worthwhile:). Thanks for letting me share my small victory....that meant the world to me:).

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Wonderful Day!!

What an amazing day that we had yesterday! To see the joy on Miss Emma's face made every single step of this journey worthwhile. I feel fortunate enough to be able to celebrate my child's "birth" twice a year. I have to say that my favorite part of the day yesterday was when Emma had balloons delivered from our dear friend Becky. She just could NOT believe they were for HER!!! She proceeded to carry them with her anywhere that she went in the house. The singing balloon is still her favorite. She has learned how to make it bounce off of the ceiling to make it sing. Too cute!! I also enjoyed watching her order her I mean PLAY with her big cousins:). The three boys (ages 10, 12, and 14) are so very good with her...even when she is commanding them to play exactly the way SHE wants them to play. Here are some pictures to show what a wonderful day that we had. Enjoy!
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Monday, March 19, 2007

Emotional Exchange

I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of strength. Today is a day of hope and remembrance. Three years ago this morning I dropped my baby girl off with her babysitter. Three years ago today I had an impending sense of doom. There was blood in her diaper that morning. That along with her extremely golden skin, her orange eyes, the way she slept 20 hours a day...and the fact that she had been listed for a liver transplant for exactly 58 days were all indicators that my beautiful child was slowly fading away from me. Death was imminent if a liver was not found. I knew that morning that it needed to be found soon. As I waited for the babysitter at our normal stop I knew that "today would be the day". I remember having that thought in my head. However that thought was quickly overshadowed by the thought that today could also be the day that my baby would die. Grief, sorrow, and hope all wrapped into one feeling.

Two and a half hours after dropping Emma off with the babysitter the call came that would forever change our lives. The call that they had a liver for us. As the tears flowed down my face I said in a petrified voice, "I don't want her to die...I don't want her to die...I don't want her to die". I had been skiing with my class when the call came, and that walk down the mountain was the longest walk of my life. From that moment on I did not cry, but I had hope that this was what we needed. A sense of peace envoloped me, and I knew that everything was going to be OK.

I know for another family that their morning wakeup today was a different experience. Today is a day of remembrance for them also, but they no longer have the hope that their daughter will grow up and experience life. Three years ago today they were on vacation. I imagine that they woke up, went to breakfast, and knew that their daughter was healthy and having a wonderful time with her church youth group on her very first ski trip ever. She was in beautiful Colorado surrounded by beautiful snow, magical wonder, and marvelous trees. The trees that would ultimately be the cause of her untimely death. Her family woke up in Florida that morning knowing that Claire was in good hands. Hours after they woke up they also received a call that would forever change their lives. Their daughter had suffered a massive internal head injury upon hitting a tree while skiing. She was on life support, but it was not looking promising. I can only imagine her Mom walking to the car saying in a petrified voice, "I don't want her to die....I don't want her to die....I don't want her to die". Unfortunately Claire did die that day, and her parents will forever be in my heart and on my mind. A part of Claire lives on in Emma every single day.

I am so very thankful to Claire's family for making the choice to donate her organs. In their most profound time of grief they were able to make a decision to help 17 other people. They helped Claire to be a hero to so many that were in desperate need. My heart hurts for the feeling that her mother had when she woke up this morning. Today I will look at my beautiful girl and continue to be so thankful for every single day that I have with her. Life is the most precious gift that each of us is given. I need to remember to live each moment as if it is my last. I'm so grateful to still have Emma in my life. Thank you Angel Claire.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Blog world beware!

This blog is being tempermental! It tries to tell me that I have to switch to the "new and improved" blog, HOWEVER it will not ALLOW me to move to the new blog....ugh! Technology has never been my friend.

So, onto the trials and tribulations of my world. Em tested positive for influenza on Thursday (after I arm wrestled the pediatrician to swab her....OK really I was such a wimp...I actually left the office with the diagnosis of sinus infection...HEARD about it from my husband.....called back Friday morning and asked for her to be swabbed....I think the ped was really too SCARED to even think about arm wrestling ME)!!! She has actually done exceptionally well with "the flu". It is supposed to last 5-7 days of nastiness. We only had one BAD she is doing really really well with it:). I think that we'll take it.

The Biggest Loser weight loss competition continues at the little rural school where I teach. The staff started on Jan. 3rd. We each (all 8 of us) put $20 into "the pot". We have weighed in every week since. The competition ends on April 3rd. The Biggest Loser will be the one who has lost the biggest percentage of weight. So far....drum roll please....I am in the lead!!! I have lost 13 pounds. One more pound and I will be down to pre-pregnancy weight....whoo hoo!! Hopefully....just in get pregnant again:).

Yes, we have been trying since June to have another child. It appears that Endometriosis has taken over my internal organs:(. I am just ready to see a specialist and find out what my options are. My husband and I neither one want Emma to be an only child....SO, I am optomistic that another child will be in our may just take a little help and patience to help him/her enter this world. If you are reading this please keep your fingers, toes, etc. crossed for us:). I will see the doctor on Monday to see where we go from here.

Well, there is a mini-version of my life:). I am on Spring Break this week, so Em and I are going to be taking a road trip to see our good friend Becky. We are so excited!!! Tim does not have spring break at all because apparently....his district "values" education more than mine does LOL!!! I think that my district just values sanity:).