Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I Need a Reminder

Please remind me that even "normal" "healthy" children....GET SICK! Please tell me that my extremely lethargic, vomitting, diarrea covered, non-eating or drinking baby boy WILL get better soon. Please remind me that even though he is displaying all of those symptoms with NO does NOT mean that he has some form of cancer, his organs are not failing, and he has not had some disease since birth that has been undetected until now. PLEASE remind me of these things, because my mind is having a difficult time learning that! In part this is because of all that we have been through with Emma, but it is also because I have thrown myself into story after story about sick children. My heart aches for those families that are dealing with sick children day in and day out, and at times I have become obsessed with different children's stories. I understand what they are going through....I've been there. HOWEVER, I do not want to go through it again. And, while I KNOW That that is not what is happening.....I still need a little reminder that this is "just" a normal childhood illness, right??

Please tell me that my SILLY MONKEY will be back soon...hiding the remote control from us, laughing and running away from me with my cell phone, giving me big kisses as I walk out the door as he says, "Bye Mommy". I NEED to see that little rascal BACK in this house SOON!

Thursday, July 23, 2009


Throughout my life I have experienced a changing of the seasons. There have been times when the seasons have rapidly changed, and other times when they seemed to last longer and slowly changed to the next. There have been seasons of joy, seasons of sorrow, seasons of frustration, and seasons of elation. The latest season that I feel myself quickly approaching is that of despair. Although I have tried to turn and run the other way, the winds of change are telling me that I must pass through this season in order to approach the next (which I hope is much more joyful than the current).

I find myself mourning that which I never had. I honestly have always been thankful that Emma was our first born. I never knew anything different, and while she was extremely difficult with her medical and other needs in the first was all that I knew. I knew that it was "different" than others experienced with their first born, but I just went with it. She was my pride and joy, and although there were times of despair I could always turn and head a different direction.

Why is it that now....almost 6 years later that I am feeling such utter despair for the first time naive parenting that I missed? I think there are various reasons for the feelings that I am having. Mainly, I look at Owen and how easy and fun life is with him....and I just wish that I had had that carefree parenting (although I do somewhat have it now....I still have Emma....who is still not "easy"....I will get to that in a moment).

Emma....ah Miss she ever giving me a run for my money right now. I am in a place where I just feel like a complete failure as a mother. I am finding it VERY difficult to take her out in public right now. She is just naughty, and when I tell her not to do something...she just looks at me and laughs and continues to do it. I have tried everything....and I'm at my witts end. If anyone has suggestions I would love to hear them. Also, anytime we are around another child (whether she knows the child or not) I have to play interference. I have to constantly be on guard because she hits, pushes, puts her hands around the other child's neck, pulls hair, etc. Children do not like to play with her, and it makes my heart break! Is there a boot camp anywhere for children with special needs? I honestly feel like a total failure, and it is sending me to a very dark place.

I am looking forward to the "changing of the seasons". I am looking forward to happier times ahead. Today, I have thought a lot about my least favorite that many said to me soon after Em was born...."God only gives you as much as you can handle". I have talked to Him alot today about how I cannot handle anymore. I can handle the special needs part that comes with Emma.....but, I desperately NEED my SWEET girl back (even with a LITTLE sassiness would be OK...but, this is a little ridiculous).

This too shall pass, right? Please pray for me that it does.....

In other Emma news....all of her yearly apts. went great! She had tubes placed in both ears and her adenoids removed and came through surgery with flying colors! She also got to go to taking medicine only 1 time a day!! Can I hear a WOOOHHOOOO!!! Although she is still on 4 medications....she has NEVER only taken meds once a day! SWEET! We thought all was well....until the phone rang yesterday to tell us that her EBV (Ebstein Barr Virus) levels are very high. They will recheck her on, we'll see. As much as I am trying not to read into it too much....this can have serious implications for a post transplant child. Please keep her in your thoughts. At this time she is showing NO signs of that is VERY positive! I'm just continuing to think good thoughts about that one:).

Thanks for reading about my gripe session! I hope all is well in all of your worlds:).