Thursday, December 11, 2008


Sometimes I wish that I could just make my brain fast forward and my heart stop the quickening that I feel at times like these. I am a person that remembers dates. Tomorrow is not a specific date...but a very specific age. Owen will be 7 months and 14 days old tomorrow, and even typing that makes the warm tears begin to flow down my face. I am instantly taken back to the day that Emma was 7 months 14 days old. That was the day that I prayed a new liver would come for my baby whom I was watching slowly die every single day. That was the day that my prayers were answered...the day that the peace took over my entire being as I handed her to the surgeon who wisked her away to save her life.

Why oh why does my heart hurt so much to think that my baby boy will be that exact age tomorrow? I know that things are SO much different this time around...but, I think that may be part of it. I am enjoying having a baby right now...I love every minute of it! And I feel like I missed out on so much of that with Em. Every aspect of that first year with Em is a blur....except for that day. I can tell you the exact time that day that we received "the call". I can tell you what I was wearing, where I was, who was with me, what they were wearing. I remember every single feeling that went through my mind that day. That day was so euphoric! It was the day where our entire community came together to pray for a little 11 lb baby girl that had so much going against her in life...yet there was so much many prayers...and they worked! Look where she is today...AMAZING!

Emma at 7 months 14 days old...Love you so much Baby Girl!

Owen at 7 months 13 days...Love you so much Baby Boy!

Such different journeys, but the same Mama love that will never fade!


Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

You have come so far, the hurt will always be there, but wow, has Emma made it!
Your children are precious, I love his smile.

Michelle said...

I think the pain is always there. Reliving those moments. They will never go away, it just gets easier to bear. I used to wrap myself in the guilt I felt having taken for granted what "normal" was. I don't think it's strange at all.

Cindy said...

I pray that your experience with Owen helps you heal...I know having Konrad has helped me heal a lot from Natalie's birth and 1st year experience. The memories will always be there, but the hurt is not so raw doesn't consume my life every day, like it did. I pray for peace for you tomorrow!

Finding Normal said...

Isn't it so hard to look back? I just started a post about our Christmas 2 years ago. In the PICU with a 2 month old who was fighting for her life. And I cried as I typed. Partly because looking at the pictures brings it all flooding back, and partly because I wish I could rewind and hold that tiny girl again and give myself the Peace I have now. And I feel like I missed out on her infancy, even while I knew I was missing it.
I think it gets easier, until you stop to think what all you've been through. What an amazing journey!