I honestly cannot put into words the magnitude of emotions felt today. There were extreme nerves, a few tears, excitement, and a Mama's heart that swelled with so much pride that I thought it might burst.
Today was Emma's first performance in a school program...and she was AMAZING!! Our school has an annual Thanksgiving feast where we invite the community to thank them for all they do for our school. We had a crowd of about 90 people coming, and the anticipation that I felt was unnerving. It's times like this that being her mom AND her teacher is difficult. I so badly want her to do a good job and act like the music teacher wants her to act when she's on stage...you know, to fit in the "mold". Well, yesterday Emma was not going to have anything to do with "the mold". She was going to do her own thing and that was that. So, this morning the music teacher said that she might only put Em in for the last song. While I could feel myself going through the motions of opening my mouth and saying the words, "That's OK"....I was SO not OK with that. Emma had been practicing all of the program with the rest of the school for WEEKS. She was prepared to do the WHOLE program. So, when rehearsal came this morning, and our music teacher lined all the children up and did not say my Emma's name....I could feel the air deflating from my lungs. The familiar feeling came back where I feel like I am being shoved underwater, unable to breath, and there is no one that can save me. Our counselor happened to be there, and she said, "Surely she just missed Emma...isn't she supposed to be up there?". I simply said, "She's going to join on the last song". Then, I made a bee-line out the door, past many parents that were filing in to help set up the feast, up the very long staircase, down the excruciatingly long hall, and into the peace of my classroom, where FINALLY the tears were able to escape and course down my cheeks. All while the questions started to come, "Why God Why??? Why her?? When is this going to get easier? I CAN'T handle this". Then, the words to myself, "You're going to be OK, just breath, she's a survivor, you're a survivor, help her get through this". Then, they were gone. The tears dried up, and I was ready to go on.
When Em's aide tried to get her to sit out for the first part of the program she got VERY upset and cried and cried and cried. So, I talked to our music teacher and asked her to have Emma join the entire program. I said that her aide could pull her out if she needed to. She agreed and said that she had only made the suggestion to have her do only the last song because she thought it would be what I wanted. SO, it all worked out.
The emotions that I felt when I saw my big girl on that stage are ones that I cannot describe. SHE.IS.ALIVE!! Thank God for that! The odds have been against her time and time again...and she is a survivor. No one can take that away from her. She may do things in her own way, but her way is BEAUTIFUL! The joy that shown on her face today, the day that she got to join her peers on HER stage, it was undescribable!
Here is a picture of my princess. It doesn't do justice to the event, but picture in your mind the mom sitting in the audience that was running the video camera and simultaneously taking pictures...(now THAT'S what I call talent) with thoughts running through her head about what could have been...and instead what IS today!
getting ready for the program
My little star
I AM SO THANKFUL FOR TODAY!