Here I sit at 2:30 am full of frustration and confusion. Maybe it's because it's the middle of the night and I'm just not thinking clearly, but I felt like I needed to write some thoughts down so I can eventually look back and see how far I've come. That's what this blog is all about, right?
I sometimes sit back and I can't believe this is my life. Five years ago I sat on this same couch (probably in the middle of the night), pregnant, and I would never have dreamed that our path would have gone this way. I will just say it.....I never WANTED to be a mom of a child with special needs. Who would? I never WANTED to have a child with a complex medical history. Who would? Yet, here I sit 5 years later up to my neck in it....and what the hell am I supposed to do about it? Don't get me wrong I love her with all of my heart. I just hate the way that I still feel about being a mom with a child with special needs and a complex medical history. AND, I hate the fact that I will never know WHY! It hurts my heart like no one will ever understand to not know what the future holds for her. It makes me so very angry that we have to fight for every single thing for her, and it frustrates me that she will never be looked at as "normal".
My heart is so heavy tonight. I am so worried all the time that something will be wrong with this baby. I am in constant turmoil over it. What did I do wrong the first time I was pregnant? What if I have done it again? I pray that God knows that I am not strong enough to do this again. I NEED to experience normal. PLEASE let me experience normal. I hate the fact that we went to the neonatologist and got the perfect picture of the baby's foot (on ultrasound) and Tim and I both immediately jump into panic mode thinking that his foot looks exactly like Emma's. We then have the doctor going in search of the baby's thumbs....we need a picture of those thumbs to SEE that they are not the same as Emma's. It just makes my heart shatter! How can I NOT want this baby to be like Emma? As I layed there asking the doctor to look for different things on the ultrasound, I looked over at my sweet girl sitting on her Daddy's lap, and it just made me sad! How can I love someone SO much, yet be petrified at the thought of having another one like her?
As the time for the baby to be born gets closer, I can feel my anxiety getting worse. When I think about it, it feels like my chest is collapsing and I can no longer breath. I so badly want to see him, but I also don't want everyone checking him out head to toe to see if he has the same "dysmorphic features" (doctor's words:(....damn them) as his sister's. I want to just love and appreciate every aspect of both of my children, but tonight I just feel like a bad mom.