Since my last post I have made some progress. For me and my emotional outlook...it is always two steps forward and one step back. However, I figure as long as it is still 2 steps forward I am making progress, right? I'm not sure that I will ever be 100% OK with the fact that Emma's not "normal"(I'm more than OK with Emma....just not the circumstances), and I guess that is OK. It's difficult when you dream about your child your entire life, you get pregnant and the whole 9 months you plan their future, and in the blink of an eye everything that you had planned changes. It's not necessarily bad that it changes. It's just difficult to wrap your mind around your entire future looking different than you had ever dreamed.
It's almost like I have 2 personalities these days.
There's the one personality who obviously loves Emma no matter what (actually BOTH personalities feel that way), but this personality is just the go with the flow type of gal who can take whatever comes and make the very best of it. Yes, this personality knows that I'm going to be OK no matter what. I can take it, and I'm going to be strong through it all.
THEN, there is personality number two that doesn't know how I'm EVER going to do this. This personality is angry and bitter. This personality wants to spit in the face of anyone that has never had to deal with accepting that their child will never be "normal"...those who look down their nose at me because their lives are "normal".
Yesterday a mom of one of my students was talking to me (she has 3 children...all of them "typical). She said to me, "I think God choses those who can handle having a child with special needs". While I do believe a part of this is true.....What is the deciding factor on this? What did I ever do to make me "worthy" and not this mother that said this to me?
Yes, I am proud of my Emma. She is my world. She makes everyone smile and realize that life IS good. It's just that a little tiny piece of my heart aches when the children in her class ask why she doesn't talk like they do...or she pushes someone (because she's trying to get their attention) and the other child sees it as Emma being mean. It's times like that that I have to ask WHY??
It's like I told this mom...."I truly believe that every parent should have to experience having a special needs child for a few years and then it is someone elses turn". They do teach you so so much that I think everyone should be given the same opportunities. At the same time I think that all parents of children with special needs should have the experience of living a "normal" life with their children.
Ahhhh, what changes there would be if I was in charge of the world.