Saturday, August 02, 2008

The Mind is a Scary Place

At times I worry that my mind cannot quite comprehend everything that happens in my world. I think that part of my mind is just my "tune out zone". When things get too complicated I just go to that place....and it makes me happy again. I find myself needing to do this a lot lately. There are so many big changes that are coming....and they are coming SOON! First, Emma will be 5...can you believe it??? 5 YEARS OLD!!! Where did all of the time go?? Second, Emma will be starting KINDERGARTEN! Yikes!! AND she will be IN MY CLASS. While an enormous part of me is so excited about this, and we did push for this to happen....a small part of me is scared out of my mind. Does that make me a bad parent?? Just the thought of it is making my mind go to its "happy place".

I know that Emma will be fine. It's me that I worry about. Not me as the teacher....she will be fine also. It's me as the Momma...who's heart literally gets ripped right out of my chest anytime that I see kids being mean to my little girl. Kids can be brutal! I know that I was probably brutal to kids who were different (meaning had special needs) when I was a kid, but I really wish that if I was mean I could turn back time and make it "all better" (Emma's favorite saying right now). I think that it will be difficult to try to explain to other students in my class why Emma is "different". I think it will be very difficult to seperate the teacher from the Momma in those situations. BUT, they will come and we will get through it. My mind will just go to the "happy place".

I find that since Emma was born I am much more outspoken than I ever was before. I have always been a fun and outgoing person. Now, I find that I am still me...with just a little more fire when it comes to certain subjects. Here is an example.....I frequent (many times daily) a website that has families of children with liver disease. I LOVE the people on the website and have made some wonderful friends who are on similar journeys. I have always felt that I am a big part of that website because Emma is the same as those children. I know that Emma has other issues, but I allow my mind to go to the "happy place", and I can make myself believe sometimes that liver disease is all that we are facing. However, TODAY one particular post hit me right in the heart! It made me feel like I had been knocked down on the floor and I was gasping for air. Really, it was a simple word that the mother wrote. Her child had just had a liver transplant yesterday and she was angry at a nurse. However, the one little word that she wrote made me lose a little respect for this mother, and it made me feel like she is one of the priviledged ones in the world.....a mother who does not have a child who is of lower intelligence. The mother wrote , "Does the nurse think I am a retard???". Yes, her child just had a transplant....I know that the mother is not "lucky". I know that she is hurting inside, and it was just a flippant comment. Before I had Emma the comment would have struck me as a little odd, but it would not have had the impact that it had on me today. It took everything in my not to PM her and tell her that it was inappropriate. But, #1 her child is very sick, and it would be very bad timing on my part. AND, #2 I know that it wasn't intended to be heart is just fragile.

So, today my mind will just go to my "happy place". Today I will count my blessings that my baby girl is almost 5 and will be going with me to kindergarten. Today I will be a happy momma who loves my girl no matter what.

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