Wednesday, January 10, 2007
I find myself lost as 2007 begins. I am slowly removing myself from existance. It may sound harsh, but I believe that is what is happening. I've been trying to piece together why I just want to remove myself from all around me. I can't completely put my finger on it...but I do know that I am tired of my "new normal". Sure, the Polly Anna in me wants to say, "There is no such thing as normal" or "everyone has their troubles" or "Normal is just a setting on the dryer". I know that it's true...each and every person has something going on in their lives that others may not consider "normal". Here's the kicker....my "not-so-normal" life is SO obvious to anyone that comes into contact with me. My child who I love dearly does not talk....and she throws up...A LOT (on top of the 10+ surgeries that she has had in her short life)!!! I just find myself longing to at least look "normal" again. Is that so wrong? I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of my child. I love her, and I would fight (and I have) for her. I just wonder....when will this new normal feel OK??? I've been struggling with this for 3 1/2 years. In so many ways it has become much easier, but in some ways it is getting more difficult. The older Emma gets...the more people expect her to be able to do. The bar continues to raise....and we continue to plateau (or make very slow progress). When can I reconnect with society and become the "wall flower" that I once was...simply blending in with my surroundings and going with the flow. I guess I just want to fit in once again. It is human nature to want acceptance, and I believe that it is even more important to feel that your offspring will be accepted. So, 2007 may be a year of learning to accept my new normal....that is my hope and my RESOLUTION!!!!