Thursday, July 23, 2009


Throughout my life I have experienced a changing of the seasons. There have been times when the seasons have rapidly changed, and other times when they seemed to last longer and slowly changed to the next. There have been seasons of joy, seasons of sorrow, seasons of frustration, and seasons of elation. The latest season that I feel myself quickly approaching is that of despair. Although I have tried to turn and run the other way, the winds of change are telling me that I must pass through this season in order to approach the next (which I hope is much more joyful than the current).

I find myself mourning that which I never had. I honestly have always been thankful that Emma was our first born. I never knew anything different, and while she was extremely difficult with her medical and other needs in the first was all that I knew. I knew that it was "different" than others experienced with their first born, but I just went with it. She was my pride and joy, and although there were times of despair I could always turn and head a different direction.

Why is it that now....almost 6 years later that I am feeling such utter despair for the first time naive parenting that I missed? I think there are various reasons for the feelings that I am having. Mainly, I look at Owen and how easy and fun life is with him....and I just wish that I had had that carefree parenting (although I do somewhat have it now....I still have Emma....who is still not "easy"....I will get to that in a moment).

Emma....ah Miss she ever giving me a run for my money right now. I am in a place where I just feel like a complete failure as a mother. I am finding it VERY difficult to take her out in public right now. She is just naughty, and when I tell her not to do something...she just looks at me and laughs and continues to do it. I have tried everything....and I'm at my witts end. If anyone has suggestions I would love to hear them. Also, anytime we are around another child (whether she knows the child or not) I have to play interference. I have to constantly be on guard because she hits, pushes, puts her hands around the other child's neck, pulls hair, etc. Children do not like to play with her, and it makes my heart break! Is there a boot camp anywhere for children with special needs? I honestly feel like a total failure, and it is sending me to a very dark place.

I am looking forward to the "changing of the seasons". I am looking forward to happier times ahead. Today, I have thought a lot about my least favorite that many said to me soon after Em was born...."God only gives you as much as you can handle". I have talked to Him alot today about how I cannot handle anymore. I can handle the special needs part that comes with Emma.....but, I desperately NEED my SWEET girl back (even with a LITTLE sassiness would be OK...but, this is a little ridiculous).

This too shall pass, right? Please pray for me that it does.....

In other Emma news....all of her yearly apts. went great! She had tubes placed in both ears and her adenoids removed and came through surgery with flying colors! She also got to go to taking medicine only 1 time a day!! Can I hear a WOOOHHOOOO!!! Although she is still on 4 medications....she has NEVER only taken meds once a day! SWEET! We thought all was well....until the phone rang yesterday to tell us that her EBV (Ebstein Barr Virus) levels are very high. They will recheck her on, we'll see. As much as I am trying not to read into it too much....this can have serious implications for a post transplant child. Please keep her in your thoughts. At this time she is showing NO signs of that is VERY positive! I'm just continuing to think good thoughts about that one:).

Thanks for reading about my gripe session! I hope all is well in all of your worlds:).


Michelle said...

First, WOOOOHOOOO!! That is awesome only one med!!

After reading your post, I think it is clear why you are feeling despair. You are discouraged and heart broken and at your wits end. I , too, do not care for the saying you mentioned about God giving us more than we can handle. OF course He does so that we will lean on him...that's my take on it anyway. All I can say, having had four "normal" kids and then Lillian...I think all you can do is try to keep riding out the storm and being consistent. I'm sorry you are strugglign right now. You are in my prayers. Hang in there and try not being so hard on yourself. You have a lot to deal with....and I wonder if some of her blood work is kind of out of whack, maybe that is why she is having behavior stuff right now??? Hang in there sister. Sending you a hug!

Kristi said...

Oh wow I feel so connected to your feelings right now. I read your post with tears in my eyes because I am in a very dark place right now too. Someone said to me the other day "God will not give you more than you can handle" and honestly I wanted to scream and throw things. Please don't feel like a failure. You are a beautiful and wonderful mom to both of your kids. After just having my second son Nicholas who does not have special needs I could really relate to what you said about wishing you had that with Emma. Oh how I wish things could be easier for me and Noah. I know this will pass for you soon and I will be praying that it does. In the meantime know that you are not alone. Hugs and thoughts sent your way..