Monday, January 21, 2008

Liar Liar Pants on Fire! the last time that I posted and said, "I was going to post more frequently" was in October. I truly have intended to post more often. However, it is amazing how quickly time can fly....and how slowly it can creep by in other areas (i.e. pregnancy). Well, here is the post you've all been waiting for:)....OK, I doubt that I even have anyone that reads this anymore, but I am typing so I can remember these times.

I am currently 23 weeks pregnant, and I am still scared as can be that the "other shoe is going to drop". You name it...I've worried about it. Everything from this baby coming too early, him kicking too low, Oh...I haven't felt him in a few hours, my husband not finding me attractive and finding someone else, Emma getting sick in the middle of all of this, Emma dying (oh, how many times I've planned my sweet girl's funeral in my head....I HATE THAT!). It is all dumbfounded...there's really no explanation for these thoughts. However, they are there. They are real, and they scare the crap out of me!

I have always been a worry wart, and the last 4 years has just made me more aware of how precious life is...and how quickly it can change. My life right now is AMAZING! Emma's doing awesome, my husband and I are more connected than we have been in a long time, so WHY of WHY do I allow my mind to wander to the what-if's? That's the question of the day, and I do believe that I have the answer to that question. I am afraid that if I get too excited about things....then I will be let down when things don't turn out the way that I had planned. Yes, it is a pesimistic attitude to have. But, I am afraid! I'm afraid to be excited. I'm afraid to be happy. I'm afraid to think of a future with a new baby that is healthy.

Do I dream that that is what is going to be? YES, YES, YES! I pray that this baby (who we know will be a boy) is going to be 100% healthy! I just need to see it to believe it.

I've had the "high risk" ultrasound with the most amazing Dr. He has told us that all is well with our little boy, so why can't I just take those words and be excited?

As Emma would say, "SOON". Soon I will know. Soon I will hold our baby boy is my arms and allow my frightened tears to leave my body and fall onto him. As they fall they will turn to a blanket of joy and I will know that our future is good. SOON!!!


Bobby, not the liver said...

Hi, Angie. My name is Bobby. I live in Denver, and just recently found your blog. While I am just getting acquainted with it, I read" Never again". That one post says a whole lot. I guess I can really relate to what you are saying about the baby and the what if's. I do it , and when I do, I lose my breath, and panic. I have hepatopulmonary syndrome. I get to thinking too far down the road. I learned in AA to take it a day at a time. So, time has ground o a stop, as I try to stay right here now, and today my pain is under control, (fairly well) and I can breath(fairly well) . You were right , Emma is perfect. My wife and I gasped at photo after photo, and neither one of us could sleep after I read "Never again" out loud to her. To imagine what you go through and have gone through takes me to a dark place too. But your angel is such a bright light, she left our hearts glowing.

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