Wouldn't it be amazing to look into a crystal ball, and see just a tiny glimpse of our future? Or would that be so frightening that it would make us turn and run the other way? If I could see the future....would I change it? Would I change who I am destined to become? Would I dodge the obstacles that are ahead, and would I be happier if I did? These are the thoughts of a person, a mother, a mother of a special needs child, a mother of a special needs child who is expecting another miracle to be born into her family in 7 more months, a mother who is petrified of what the future will be, yet a mother who can look at the past and appreciate the obstacles that she has taken head on and made it, a mother who plans to continue to move ahead and see the future that is planned for her and enjoy every moment of it.
We have talked about having another child for the past 3 years (Emma is 4 now). We both have known that we wanted another one, and we've been reassured that what Emma has is not "genetic". That made the decision easier for both of us. Neither of us wanted Emma to be an only child, and she could learn so much from a sibling. We have been trying to get pregnant for a year, and I knew that when I got pregnant this time I would not be nervous. I was just going to enjoy pregnancy and know that the outcome would be wonderful. WELL, here I am 9 1/2 weeks pregnant.....and I am scared out of my mind!!! I try not to be. I mean I love my child with all of my heart and soul, and I am so looking forward to a new life coming into our family, but the naiveness that I had when I was pregnant with Emma will never be returned. I feel like I have been robbed of that. Every little thing that doesn't feel right freaks me out. I know what CAN happen, and I just cannot let that go! I have tried different things, but my subconscious mind continues to go back to those first few weeks with our beautiful infant daughter and all of the things they continually told me were "not right" with her (I refuse to say that they are "wrong" because she is EXACTLY how SHE is supposed to be).
So, I've decided to come here more often and journal my thoughts. They may seem crazy and irrational at times, but I will get through this. In the end that Mother inside of me will see the future and all that it has to offer, and I will enjoy every moment of it.
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3 comments:
Dear Angie,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts so beautifully. I am also a mother of a child who had a liver transplant in his first year of life for Biliary Atresia. I also think about having another baby, but I am so nervous and frightened. I am looking forward to reading your journal over the next few months as you go through the pregnancy. Hopefully someday, I will have the courage to have another child. Best wishes for your pregnancy.
Angie,
You know me, and I usually sign on here when I blog...but I'm not ready to tell the world my news: I, too, am pregnant. And I'm scared to death, too. I lost my innocence with my first pregnancy, too, and I'm scared of the not knowing.
I am praying for you, and I hope you'll pray for me.
Dear Angie,
Thanks for sharing.My Prayers are with you and hope that all will be good. I understand where you are coming from and hope you can enjoy this pregnancy as you should. Angin thanks for sharing hope to read more in the months to come. My prayers are with you and your family. Best wishes for you and your little one.
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