Yesterday I caught a glimpse of myself....5 years ago. While I was shopping in a store, a girl walked past me. I turned to watch her bee-bop down the stairs...so carefree...so happy. She had on her down jacket, her wool hat, with her healthy skin glowing, and her beautiful freshly washed hair hanging down her back. The sound of her laughter echoing as she descended down the stairs...down to pick up her skiis and head out to the slopes for a day of cool, brisk wind on her face...not a care in the world.
Sadness encompassed me as I realized...that used to be me. Where did that girl go? She has been replaced by a shell of a woman who feels so empty inside. A woman who is in constant fear of the unknown...perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop....and angry with the fates that this life has thrown her way. The conclusion was quickly made in my head that she is gone...never to return to this life. I will never again be able to simply live vicariously...without a care in the world. It makes my head throb and my heart hurt just thinking about it.
The time has come to find a new sense of freedom and happiness. I try to make the most of every day, but when I saw that girl today I realized in so many ways that I am just masking the feelings that lie beneath. I realize that the past few years have made me a more compassionate person in so many ways. Many parts of myself are enriched and improved. However, I long to not have the worry every single minute of every single day. The worry of Emma getting sick, the wonder of if and when she will talk, the sick feeling I get when I can sense other people judging my child...the child that DESERVES to be looked upon the most respect of anyone that I know.
The dark corners of my mind apparently need to remain that way. When a light shines in those corners it makes me think just a little too much about the whys, the wonders, and the what if's. Yesterday the light simply made me think about the where....where did she go????
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I think that as our special needs kiddos grow up, there are little losses along the entire journey. 6 years into it, I'm still angry with myself when I'm experiencing another loss of hope or encouragement because by now I should be used to this, right? It's okay to feel crappy sometimes. It's okay to miss how it used to be, or how you hoped it would be when you became a parent. It's not all rainbows and sunshine all the time, and none of us expect that from you. From where I stand you are such a great mom in part because you allow yourself to feel the losses and hurt in spite of your pride in your daughter. All of your feelings are a part of your personal parenting journey.
I think even if we only had typical kids we would look back in some instances and mourn the loss of freedom, of youth, you know?
I think that in dealing with special circumstances, especially when it comes w/the fierce protection of motherhood, we gain a wisdom that is invaluable and that is God ordained.
I think that you are a great Mommy and Miss Emma is lucky to have you as her advocate!
HUGS! And thanks for sharing your blog with me. Nicole
Angie,
Thanks for stopping by our blog. I think I've found more "family" through your blog. And it looks like we're sharing the same grief over what like should be like versus reality.
I'll be back often.
Oh yes, your daughter is absolutely gorgeous!!!
I think everyone mourns who they used to be, just a bit. When you are tied down by responsibility, you glance back at your carefree days with longing. With special needs parenting, we mourn both our carefree days, and the loss of what we thought parenting would be. We all have difficult days...but I think that as special needs parents, we get to experience so much more joy and excitement than "normal" parents. I have both a neuro-typical child and an extraordinary child, and the joy I feel each time KayTar acheives something new is immeasurable. I was happy for BubTar to reach goals as well, but it feels like a major victory when KayTar does it. I think that our lows might be a little lower, but the highs are so much higher than in some way, it balances out.
Angie,
I totally relate with your latest blog. Some day's I think where did Christi go? Is she still out there..will she ever come back? I really get what your saying.
Emma is such a beautiful little girl and what a wonderful mommy she has in you!
Thinking of you guy's today!
Christi & Caden!
Hey Angie- It was so good talking to you today. I felt like I was having a horrible day and after we talked I felt really good. I just love knowing I'm not alone here- misery loves company :-). I have said many times that my life was forever changed in Aug. of 03. And you know I don't mean the regular "I'm a parent now" kind of change but the the kind of change where words like "carefree" and "easy going" have been replaced with phrases like "I'm really worried about..." or "Things are good today but I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall" (and it usually does!). I miss the carefree days too but I don't think either one of us would trade them for what we have today. Thanks again for the ear, you really helped a friend out today.
Wow, did I really need to read this today! Thank you :-)
I can relate to what you said about seeing an old version of yourself. I felt that way after my first child who was healthy, and again after my second who was born with health problems. More, I see what could have been when I see parents who have all healthy kids who talk about diaper rash or picky eaters, and I cannot relate. I wish I had a picky eater instead of a tube-feeder, KWIM? But on the other hand my children have both made me wiser. It has not been a pain-free journey. I have asked so many times, "Why me? Why my child?" It's very good to be honest and to know you don't need to be strong all the time. But look at that young woman again, the carefree one, and ask if she has ever had her heart moved by the love of a child.
Darshani (USAmma from MDC)
Blogger's driving me batty.
I'm so with you on this. There are days when I just feel like I'm going to deflate or explode. But I'm glad for the strength that having a special needs child has shown me that I have. Does that make sense.
I'm planning on streaking my hair green. No, really. Just to do something that I want to do...outside of all of the other things that I MUST do.
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