Yesterday I caught a glimpse of myself....5 years ago. While I was shopping in a store, a girl walked past me. I turned to watch her bee-bop down the stairs...so carefree...so happy. She had on her down jacket, her wool hat, with her healthy skin glowing, and her beautiful freshly washed hair hanging down her back. The sound of her laughter echoing as she descended down the stairs...down to pick up her skiis and head out to the slopes for a day of cool, brisk wind on her face...not a care in the world.
Sadness encompassed me as I realized...that used to be me. Where did that girl go? She has been replaced by a shell of a woman who feels so empty inside. A woman who is in constant fear of the unknown...perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop....and angry with the fates that this life has thrown her way. The conclusion was quickly made in my head that she is gone...never to return to this life. I will never again be able to simply live vicariously...without a care in the world. It makes my head throb and my heart hurt just thinking about it.
The time has come to find a new sense of freedom and happiness. I try to make the most of every day, but when I saw that girl today I realized in so many ways that I am just masking the feelings that lie beneath. I realize that the past few years have made me a more compassionate person in so many ways. Many parts of myself are enriched and improved. However, I long to not have the worry every single minute of every single day. The worry of Emma getting sick, the wonder of if and when she will talk, the sick feeling I get when I can sense other people judging my child...the child that DESERVES to be looked upon the most respect of anyone that I know.
The dark corners of my mind apparently need to remain that way. When a light shines in those corners it makes me think just a little too much about the whys, the wonders, and the what if's. Yesterday the light simply made me think about the where....where did she go????