Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Going to the Funny Farm???

Just when life seems to be "normal" again in our little household (our new kind of normal anyway), the subconscience takes hold. The little part somewhere in our brain that has to remind us again and again about what DID happen, and how we are NOT invinceable. Life as we knew it before (the carefree, whatever will be will be days) no longer exist. We know that life has many obstacles, and we need to be there to help our little girl climb over the bumps that life throws her way.

I am reminded of this nightly, as I drift away to that wonderous state that we all love. The world of sleep. Oh, what used to be so peaceful is now my mystery land. I wake up questioning WHY I dreamt that? Is it really going to happen? I should go check on Emma! My dreams tell me that something is still going to happen to my sweet little angel, and I know that I can not deal with that! I dream at least once a week that Emma dies or that I lose her in a forrest, shopping mall, etc.

The irony of all of this is that Emma is doing very well post transplant. Her liver is very happy in its new home.

I have been told that it could be post traumatic stress that I am dealing with now. I had to be so strong during her time when she was so sick that I didn't deal with my own feelings. I wonder if it could also be that 2 of my very close friends have lost their children (both Emma's age and had heart transplants) within the last 10 months. I feel like I dealt well with both of those at the time also, and I knew that Emma's situation was so different that I didn't worry about that happening to her. However, the reality is her situation really is not that different at all. We never know what is around the corner! Before I had Emma I would look at people who had sick kids or kids with special needs and I would think, "Oh those poor people!" and at times I heard people say, "I wonder what she did when she was pregnant to make her child like that". At the time that I heard that, in the back of my mind I would think the same thing. I know that does not make me a "good" person. I NEVER dreamt that my child would be born sick! I know now that no one ever thinks that their child will be born with anything "wrong"....it just happens! So, the question nagging on my mind is...how do I KNOW that something else will not "just happen" to Emma? How do any of us know? I know that we don't. I know that I need to live for today and be so happy that she is here for me to love and hug and watch her grow. I know how lucky I am to have my child still here on this Earth with me....but, my subconscious is still nagging me that I need to hang onto every precious second with her because it could be her last.

Am I headed to the funny farm?? Am I just finally trying to sort it all out? Am I just grasping at too many straws??? Let me know what you think. Thanks for listening to me ramble!

2 comments:

Laurie said...

Angie,

I have the same thoughts sometimes. Just this morning when I dropped Anthony off at day care, I sat there for a good half hour just holding him and watching him eat breakfast. I just couldn't get up and leave! Every moment with him is so precious to me, and I'm so afraid that one day I'll miss it all. Will it be because he's no longer here with me? Most probably it will be because he's grown up and doesn't want me to hold him and snuggle with him.

I think that these thoughts we have are "normal" (since normal is no longer really normal!) for us to have. We've been through a nightmare that most people will not have to live. We've seen the "almost" in death, and we got lucky with our kids. Most people have never experienced that. Honestly, I think it makes me a better person to have seen that "almost". Now I know to cherish each moment where I might not have before.

If you're headed to the funny farm, be sure to stop by Baton Rouge and pick me up on your way...at least we'll be in good company with each other! :)

LilysMom said...

I truly and completely understand your feelings. We do not wish our children death, nor do we anticipate it. I think it's when it's finally quiet, or it's time for bed, or things are finally looking up, that our fears come in to play. During the day, we are too busy playing with our sweet children and giving them the hope and support that they need and deserve. When they are asleep or away from us awhile, our minds aren't in the constant survival mode, so I believe we begin to contemplate things.

Any Mom who has taken on their child's illness or disability is a Mom of true strength and character. It's already a tough job to be the Mother of a healthy child, and adding on the task of what we handle every day, can definitely be "Funny Farm" worthy. We are the best things our children have and our fears come from genuine love. They couldn't want or need for more than that.
Sarah
(Thanks for posting on Lily's site!) God Bless!
www.thelilyfoundation.org