Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The little pangs in life

The end of the school year is upon us....and I can feel it in the air. The children are so anxious (and so are the teachers of course). As I was cleaning my classroom today I came across student work that I wanted to make sure to send home. So many parents keep a portfolio for their child. They dream of sharing it with their children's children. They would laugh with little Johnny about the way that he made his J backwards in kindergarten, or how he drew his Dad with just a head and arms and legs coming out of it (otherwise known as spider people). Yes, my student's parents needed this student work to add to that portfolio.

Then it hit me. The pain that occassionally creeps up on me. Will I ever experience that? It's a double edged sword. A part of me is petrified that Emma will not be alive for me to share her portfolio with her when she is grown. Then, there is the part of me that is petrified that she will not be able to produce work like that on her own. I know that it's a crazy thought. Deep down I do know that. Emma is Emma....she will do it in her own time....but she will do it.

I just wish that I could shut off certain parts of my brain. I just want to live in the now and appreciate today. Today is the day that I put a pair of size 3T pants on my little peanut....and THEY FIT...length and all!!! Today is the day that Emma went to pre-school and got in trouble for taking her pants off (I'm just excited that she CAN take her own pants off). Today is also the day that Emma said clear as a bell, "Horse...cold"....while pointing out the window at the horse.

I truly wish that my mind could always focus on the positive. I wish that I still had the gift of bein a naive parent who thought my child would grow up and could possible become the president of the United States (OK....I never would wish that on anyone). I wish that my mind would never have to grieve the unknown.

1 comment:

Ben & Bennie said...

I can sympathize so well with this emotion. I always keep a positive outlook on the outside and will only let my wife see the sadness, the grieving, and the pain that goes with loving a special child.

It's another strange irony of being the parent of an exceptional child - grieving unnecessarily at times.