Where did she go?

Yesterday I caught a glimpse of myself....5 years ago. While I was shopping in a store, a girl walked past me. I turned to watch her bee-bop down the stairs...so carefree...so happy. She had on her down jacket, her wool hat, with her healthy skin glowing, and her beautiful freshly washed hair hanging down her back. The sound of her laughter echoing as she descended down the stairs...down to pick up her skiis and head out to the slopes for a day of cool, brisk wind on her face...not a care in the world.

Sadness encompassed me as I realized...that used to be me. Where did that girl go? She has been replaced by a shell of a woman who feels so empty inside. A woman who is in constant fear of the unknown...perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop....and angry with the fates that this life has thrown her way. The conclusion was quickly made in my head that she is gone...never to return to this life. I will never again be able to simply live vicariously...without a care in the world. It makes my head throb and my heart hurt just thinking about it.

The time has come to find a new sense of freedom and happiness. I try to make the most of every day, but when I saw that girl today I realized in so many ways that I am just masking the feelings that lie beneath. I realize that the past few years have made me a more compassionate person in so many ways. Many parts of myself are enriched and improved. However, I long to not have the worry every single minute of every single day. The worry of Emma getting sick, the wonder of if and when she will talk, the sick feeling I get when I can sense other people judging my child...the child that DESERVES to be looked upon the most respect of anyone that I know.

The dark corners of my mind apparently need to remain that way. When a light shines in those corners it makes me think just a little too much about the whys, the wonders, and the what if's. Yesterday the light simply made me think about the where....where did she go????

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day to all! I hope that everyone gets that extra hug today from a special someone. A special look that says....you are all that matters to me...that look that makes the butterflies flutter. Emma thinks that Valentine's Day is a GREAT day! Isn't she sweet???

Unwritten

I have a new song that is my favorite. It is called Unwritten, and it is exactly what I needed to hear. The moment that I heard it on the radio I knew that it was meant for me to hear right at that moment. It says:

I am unwritten,
can't read my mind
I'm undefined

I'm just beginning
the pens in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
open up the dirty window
let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhabition
Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you
only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Speak the words on your lips

Treat yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is
Where your book begins
The rest is still UNWRITTEN!!!!

Aren't we all just beginning to live. Each day SHOULD be a new beginning...another page in a wonderful book....with the ending unplanned. When I think about my favorite book that I have ever read, it is not utter happiness on every page. It has drama....it has depth. Every page of my book may not be happiness, excitement, and joy. It is the reality of life. There are moments of true bliss, and there are moments of extreme dispair. How I wish that every day of my life had been documented. Wouldn't it be wonderful to look back in a time of dispair, catch a glimpse of happiness, and realize that bright days would come again. Wouldn't it be wonderful to keep yourself grounded by reading about a time in your life that was terrifying and realizing that.....today is really not all that bad....I CAN handle this.

I think it is important for me to realize that I am in charge of me. No one else can "feel" it for me....I need to feel the rain on my skin.

So, today, I am chosing to live my life with arms wide open! Today is where my book begins. THE REST IS STILL UNWRITTEN! How is the story in your book?