2 Parents

Yes, Emma's 2 parents have grown so much over the last 4 years. It was not too long ago that we were talking about how fortunate we are to have Emma in our lives. When she was first born....and for a long time after that, I think we both questioned WHY! What did we do in our lives to have God punish our child. That may sound odd....and we never felt like we were being punished, but why did God decide to give Emma so many struggles?? Just recently, we have both come to the understanding that Emma is SUCH a gift! (we have always known this...I cannot describe our recent thoughts). Other children who are "typical" are everywhere that you look, but when people look at Emma they see the love that she radiates. She loves everyone that she meets, and she would never want to hurt anyone. Truly, wouldn't it be a blessing if everyone in the world could look at every experience as an adventure....and love everyone they came into contact with. What a wonderful world it would be. As parents we have grown, and as a couple we have grown. It's been a very long journey, but it is one that we feel very fortunate to still be traveling. Today is one more day on the amazing journey with our precious girl.

3 Places that Emma loves to go

1) Grandma and Grandpa's house

2) To see her boys (our nephew's)

3) To get french fries at McDonald's

Not too hard to please the perfect princess:)!

4 Fun things

These are the top 4 things Emma loves today:

1) Her dogs

2) Dora the Explorer

3) Fruit snacks

4) Her Daddy....and sometimes her mommy too!

5 Fabulous things about our Future

Or, at least 5 fabulous things about the next year.

We look forward to:
1) Emma meeting her new baby brother!! What a day that will be:).

2) Emma starting kindergarten! I can't wait to see her at the BIG school:)....all 29 kids that we have there (grades K-5)

3) Emma's 4 year check up - It will be scheduled in July, and I'm sure it will be great!

4) Summer - All Emma can think about is planting flowers outside. I'm so excited to have her help me this year.

5) Seeing Cousin Kale again:). Emma loves her baby cousin, and she can't wait to see him again!

6 Significant people we've met along our journey

OK, I'm behind again! Somehow I am lacking my mojo??? You'd think just sitting on the couch all day would motivate me to write, but I seem to find other things to do.

Today, I am going to write about 6 of the people that we've met along this journey. These are 6 people that we would not have met otherwise, and they have made such a huge difference in who I am today. Some of them I only know through the Cyber world, but they are important to me nonetheless.

1) Becky, Joe, and Louis - We met the adorable Louis on an organ donor awareness walk. Although Becky calls me a stalker for tracking her down....I'm pretty sure that she's glad that I was so determined to meet them that day. Louis had received a heart transplant 3 months before Emma received her liver. Louis was also about 3 months older then Emma. Emma loved him from the start. Although we only knew Louis for a year before he left his Earthly body, he will ALWAYS hold a special place in our hearts. His parents Joe and Becky have become some of our best friend. Becky is the one person who I know will always listen to my woes and laugh about my funny mishaps. I truly feel like she is my sister that was misplaced at birth (hmmmm...not sure we could've had the same mom...but pretty sure they are at least sisters). My life has changed dramatically by having Becky in it.

2) Jill and Marek - Jill is my cyber friend who lives in Alaska. Our kids were transplanted within days of each other, and their birthdays are very close also. Marek and Emma have had many similar post transplant issues (especially allergies). I look forward to the day that I will one day meet Jill in person. When I talk to her on the phone it is as if I have known her all of my life. She has 3 boys, and she is expecting baby #4 in September:).

3) CRC staff - I can't limit this to just one person. CRC is the place that Emma goes to pre-school. All of her teachers and therapists (well MOST of them) have been phenomenol! They are so great with our sweet girl, and she has made amazing progress because of their loving care.

4) Annette - she is our transplant coordinator, and I don't know how we would have been able to travel this journey without her. She is the one who called to tell us that our life was about to forever change, and that our girl was going to have a 2nd chance. She answers all of our questions and never makes us feel incompetant. She is just amazing at what she does, and I am so thankful that she has been the coordinator that has been placed with us.

5) Debbie - I received a phone call last week from a fellow mom of a child that has Biliary Atresia and Rubenstein Taybi syndrome. It was an amazing conversation, and just a euphoric experience to know there is someone out there going through very similar challenges to what we have gone through for the past 4 years. Granted, this person has just come into my life, but I hope to talk to her many many more times.

6) Angie - Yes, I have met myself. When I look in the mirror today, I see that I am a drastically different person than I was the day before Emma was born. For the most part I have changed for the better. I am more understanding and compassionate toward others. I am definitely more educated. However, I am also more leary about what the future holds (before I never really thought about the future).....maybe that makes me a better person because I value every day that I have. However, sometimes I wish that I could get just a piece of that naitivity back.

******Above all else....I have met Miss Emma!!! Without her where would my world be? I love her with every piece of my being! I love absolutely everything about her. I would not change one part of our journey if it meant that I didn't have my baby girl to hold in my arms and kiss every night. She is my strength, my hero, my world!

7 Signs of Liver Disease

Only 7 more days (from yesterday...oops), and I thought I would post the 7 top signs of liver disease. Although we are post transplant, we still watch for these signs as they can be signs of rejection:

1) Light colored poo....I know that poo is just what everyone want to hear about, but that is the truth. Emma's was almost white pre-transplant.

2) Jaundice skin...this is the number one thing that people usually think of when they think of liver disease.

3) Hard, distended abdomen....as the liver becomes more ill, it tries to regenerate itself. It will literally add onto itself. If liver disease is progressing it will kill off that part also, but the liver will still try to regenerate. That makes for a very hard and big tummy. Once the liver gets to an advanced stage of cirrosis then it will start to shrink...never to regenerate again.

4) Lethargy...when any organ is not functioning correctly it makes your energy level become lower and lower.

5) Vomitting...as the liver gets larger it pushes on the other organs. It also makes processing food become more difficult which can lead to increased vomitting.

6) Elevated LFT's....The liver function tests in your bloodstream become elevated.

7) Itchiness and bruising - both signs of progressed liver disease.

Obviously, only one of these may or may not mean much, but when your child has ALL of these...it is a frightening road. Being post transplant causes increased anxiety anytime I see any of these signs. However, if I do see any, it helps me to know that I can get her blood drawn and know if it is liver related or not.

8 Easy (Easier??) things about this life

OK, I got a little behind in my posts....so, now I am going to play catch up! Now, back to our regularly scheduled postings.....

Our life post transplant has become so much easier. There are just so many things that I somewhat take for granted now....although I TRY not to. It's just the longer post transplant we become...the easier it is to put those memories of how difficult life was behind us. So, here are the top 8 things that I think have become so much easier compared to life before transplant:

1) Potty trained!!!- Before transplant Emma seriously had 10 -15 blowout diapers a day (I know TMI...sorry). Life is so much easier in that department:).

2) Medication- For one thing Emma LOVES her medicine, and she now reminds US about her medicine. She is also "only" on 6 medications vs. the 15 that she was on post transplant. Granted, I would LOVE for her to be on less...but...we'll take it!!

3) Oxygen - Post transplant, I had to carry Emma's oxygen around for the 7 months post transplant. I remember the day that she finally came off of it....a weight had been lifted from my shoulders in more than one way. We've had a few pneumonia scares where she has briefly been put back on it, but overall...she holds her own in the oxygen department.

4) Sleeping - This may sound bizarre, but pre-transplant Emma slept TOO much! I cherish the fact that she doesn't sleep much anymore. OK, getting up 4 times last night may have been a bit much, but I love the fact that she has so much more energy now.

5) Eating - Pre-transplant we literally had to force Emma to take her bottles. We calculated every single ounce and calorie that went into her mouth, and then we watch it all come right back out. She vomitted constantly. That along with the blow outs was SO difficult. We just watched her not gaining weight and getting smaller and smaller. Emma weighed 6# 10oz. at birth....she weighed 11 pounds on the day of her transplant, and her liver weighed 2 lbs!!! YIKES!! I look back now, and Emma has come so far in this department (mostly in the last year). She will try anything, and she loves to eat:). Mealtime is so much nicer in our house now. I don't have that fear about WHEN is she going to throw up???

6) Allergies - Emma's allergies post transplant became really bad. She is severely allergic to many foods, and moderately allergic to many others. Those allergies have not become any better, BUT in the last year we have found the right "cocktail" of medications to keep them at bay.

7) Personality - Emma is little Miss Personality....she always has been, but her personality is just shining through more and more every day.

8) Blood draws - Post transplant they tested Em's blood 2 times per day (this was immediately post tx...and she had a central line), then it went to once a day, then every other day, then once a week, then once every other week, then once a month, then every other month, and NOW she only has her blood drawn once every 3 months!! That is AWESOME!!!

However, blood draws are never "easy". I took her yesterday, and they had to poke her 4 times!!! Guess what! They still didn't get enough blood:(. It makes me so sad to see her poor little arms all bruised as the tears stream down her face...and mine! It's been a long time since I have cried at a blood draw. However, yesterday all Emma wanted to do was go to her BFF Brindi's house. We were on our way there, but I told her that we had one stop to make first....when we pulled up in front of the hospital, and I went to get her out of her car seat she said, "NO, Brindi's house". The whole time that they were trying to draw her blood she just kept saying "NO, Brindi's house" over and over again!! Afterward she received 10 stickers, 4 suckers, AND she got to go to Brindi's house! Anything you want baby girl!! You are my tough little princess!

9 more days...9 new worries

Life post transplant has truly been an amazing experience. I often look back at life pre-transplant and the time right after, and it seems as if it could've been someone else's life...and I was a mere observer. Then, reality brings me back to the present. Although life is SO much better than life before "the call", I would not say that our life is "normal" (although...truly "normal" is JUST a setting on the dryer). It is "normal" for us, and I would not trade it for the world. We were told before transplant that getting a transplant was like trading one disease for another. Although we got rid of the liver disease, we now have a child that is immunosuppressed and always will be. So, today I thought I would post the "top" 9 things that we have worried about since transplant. Granted, they are much less terrifying than life pre-transplant, but none the less they are worries for us as parents:

1) Immunsuppression - Emma takes a medication two times every day that suppresses her immune system so it does not recognize the "foreign body" that is her liver and attack it. Because of this we have to be more cautious that she is not around those who are sick.

2) Allergies - Since Emma was transplanted at such a young age and then put on the medication called Prograf (immunosuppresant) it has thrown off her allergy system. She has literally tested positive for allergies to every food that we have ever tested. Our allergist (who we love) has eliminated the major allergens (eggs, nuts, and shellfish) from her diet, however she has spells where she will get hives for days for unknown reasons or have vomitting spells. It boggles my mind sometimes! We are anxious to have her allergies tested again this summer because I think some have become more extreme.

3) Aspiration - Now, whether this is transplant related or not, it is something that we definitely worry about! Emma had always done fine with drinking....until one year post transplant. Her first year post transplant she did fantastic. Then, one year out she began having sinus infection after sinus infection...which turned into lung infections that led to hospitalizations. She would literally be on antibiotics for 10 days...be off for 2 and end up in the hospital again. This went on for a year. Finally, we went to Denver for her annual check up. I mentioned it to her doctors, and they were ready to just tell me it was OK. I was adament that something was not right. So, they did a swallow study, and sure enough Emma was aspirating on thin liquids. Since then we have had to thicken all of her drinks. It is a pain, but not all that difficult. We hope that one day she will be able to come off of the thickener.

4) Weakened bones - Emma has been on steroids for so long that it is questionable how strong her bones are. We have "only" had one broken bone so far (knocking HARD on wood right now).

5) Poop color - sorry TMI, however any "liver parent" knows that the poop tells you A LOT about how the liver is functioning. So, anytime that Emma has lighter colored poop....It FREAKS.ME.OUT!!! However, too much milk or too many bananas can also cause lighter poop (there's some food for thought:).

6) Blood draws - Even though we are down to getting blood drawn every 3 months....and they alway look excellent, I still get that high anxiety feeling until I get the results back from the blood draws. There is ALWAYS the chance of rejection. The further out we get the more confident I feel....but I don't think it will ever be a laid back event to get her blood drawn.

7) Teeth - Being extremely jaundice when the teeth are forming leads to....you guessed it....yellow teeth!!! Also, being on so many different medications and vomitting so much have not helped. Therefore we see a pediatric dentist. We will be seeing a new one this summer in Denver. I am frightened of that day.

8) Mom's sanity - LOL....I always wonder about that one:)

9) The thought that we are never promised another day with her. I know that sounds odd, and I know even with a totally healthy "typical" kid you never know what will happen tomorrow. However, when your child has been through so much, that fear just looms in the dark shadows all of the time. I wish that it would go away. Or do I? Would I value every single second as much as I do now?

For now I just take it one day at a time, and I cherish every single moment. Life post transplant is not simple....it is not easy....BUT, it truly is WONDERFUL AND AMAZING! I would not trade one single day of the life that we have had with Emma, and we look forward to many many more anniversaries to celebrate in the future!

10 days until Emma's BIG day

We have 10 days to go until we will celebrate Emma's 4th transplant anniversary. This time of year is always a time of mixed emotions for me. The memories that come flooding back are so clear, yet the further we get away from transplant I notice that many of the bad memories are beginning to fade allowing only the good ones to surface. I think this is the first year where I have not felt the anxiety at this time of the year that I have felt in other years. This year I just feel joy at the fact that our little princess is here with us today. Not a single night goes by that I do not go into Emma's room after she is asleep and thank Angel Claire (Emma's donor) for giving Emma the gift of life. My heart goes out to her family at this very difficult time. In a time where we are celebrating our child's life here on Earth, they are watching another year pass by without their precious daughter. Claire would have been 21 years old this year. She was an amazing girl, and I know that she is greatly missed by her family, friends, and community.

It's 10 days until Emma's 4th transplant anniversary. Today, I thought that I would share the top 10 things that Emma says that melt my heart. The fact that Emma is talking, just that simple fact, is truly enought to melt my heart. We were told when Emma was 6 1/2 weeks old that she "Would never walk or talk"....boy, was that doctor wrong. Here are my top 10:

1) When we say, "I love you Emma"....she replies with, "Too... Mom and Dad and Dogs and horses......(and whatever else it is that she loves that day:).

2) The way she says "Thank you" anytime that something is given to her. She has such great manners.

3) When we are giving her medicine, and she thinks we are giving them to her too quickly she puts up her little hand (as if to say stop) and she says, "Wait a sec".

4) She puts her big baby doll in the baby's crib and says, "Quiet, baby is sleeping, shhhhhh!".....this one will be a good one for the months ahead.

5) "Emma go to school now???"...she always loves to go to school.

6) "Idol...girls sing"...she is still American Idol's greatest fan. Maybe one day we'll see our little rock star on there. When the girl's sing, Emma always picks up the closest "thing" to be her microphone and she sings along with them.

7) "NO, down dogs....P.U"....I guess this is an example of what her mom thinks of the dogs...oops!

8) "I read like Mama"....anytime that I'm reading on the couch, at the table, in the bed, ect. Emma will get a book or a magazine and read next to me.

9) When I asked her to "Stop it" the other day, she looked at me and said, "NO, you stop it!". Yes, a little sassy, but I love it!

10) My favorite...we've been talking about friends a lot lately. So Emma said, "Mama's my best friend". Yes, she knows how to melt my heart.

Love you little one! Can't wait to celebrate in 10 more days! You deserve ONLY the best!

Signs Signs Everywhere Signs

As I become older...and wiser (LOL) I have come to realize that our entire journey is pre-planned. It's all layed out in front of us, however it is not available for us to view...nor would we want to. However, lately I have had the time to ponder the idea that if we truly look at our suroundings and pay attention to the people, landscape, and events that are happening around us, then we might just catch a glimpse...just a brief view of what is to come.

I have many examples of how this has happened in my life. One that sticks out vividly was the week before Emma was born. It was the first week of August. The temperature had been over 100 degrees for weeks. It was miserable hot, and I was getting bigger by the day (I gained 30 pounds in the last 3 weeks....YIKES...toxemia). I had gone into Wal-Mart, my "usual" hangout...because it was so much cooler in there. However, on this particular day I just could not get comfortable...and I was EXTREMELY agitated. As I was walking into the store, our local NOWCAP (mentally disabled facility) van pulled up and as the people started getting out one of them ran up to me and asked, "Why do you have such a big tummy". Now, normally I would have much more patience, but on that day I was snippy with this man and said, "I am pregnant"...and continued on my mission. I did not have the time or the energy to deal with "those people". Upon checking out of Wal-Mart I got a cashier who we know. She has a son that has a disability, and I was not overly nice to her that day either. It was my world...all about me....and I was having a bad day, so why should I make anyone else's day good, right? Granted, this is VERY out of character for me...but I was miserable.

Looking back on that day, it was a huge sign for me. A sign of the struggles that I would have soon in my life. If only I could relive that day. If only I could show the peole that I encounter how I know that their feelings matter. If only everyone could step back and see "the entire picture" because no matter what your journey may be....we all have difficult times. After I began thinking about that day, I came to the realization that I had encountered many many people/families that had children with medical issues and disabilities throughout my entire pregnancy. Many more than I typically encounter. I believe this was my sign, and the way the families dealt with the circumstances was my life lesson and my "glimpse" of things to come...unbeknownst to me.

In my current situation (pregnant with my 2nd child), I try to be more aware of my surroundings. My "signs" have definitely been there throughout this pregnancy. People that I have known for quite some time and consider good friends have come out of the woodwork to tell me about a time in their life that I did not know about. One of my friends shared with me the first child that she had 40 years ago. The child was born with many complications and only lived for 5 hours. Now, you may ask HOW this helped me. However, my friend went on to tell me about her next 2 children. While she had been very scared throughout both of her preganancies, she went on to have 2 very healthy children. Amazing that I have known this woman for 10 years. I consider her I good friend. I've worked with her. However, she knew the perfect time to share this story with me. This was my sign.

There is another family in town. I do not know them well, but they have also been a beacon of hope for me. They have 2 grown boys. Their oldest has severe autism, and their 2nd child was the validictorian of his graduating class. Their love for both of their boys is visibly seen. They treat them both with the utmost respect, and they've raised them to be strong citizens in our community. Their younger boy is everywhere that I go lately. I see him in the store, at our school speaking to the older kids, I pass him on the street often. This is my sign that things are going to be OK.

Yesterday, was the most amazing sign! A mom was placed in my path to share her story with me. I cannot even begin to explain the feeling that I felt when hearing her story. It was like a neon flashing sign saying ALL IS WELL....BE HAPPY. I have felt so much lighter since that encounter, and I will be forever grateful to that mom.

Our universe is a mystery that none of us are meant to "figure out". We go into our future blind folded in so many ways. However, if we just become more keenly aware of our surrounding, I believe there are times that we can catch a glimpse, a simple sign, of what lies ahead. Becoming more acutely aware of those signs may just help us to endure those difficult times, and help us to celebrate the joyful times.

Laugh or Cry....Right or Wrong?

In an attempt to find the straw that broke the camel's back, I'm truly TRYING to find humor in every situation. In the end it makes us stronger right? It's all character building....BLAH BLAH BLAH. Then, in the next thought I have a little pitty party. A little whoa is me....why is this happening...why did THAT happen? Only to be followed up with a brief river of tears (I keep telling my husband that they make pregnant women drink more water because they cry ALL OF THE TIME), only to be summed up with a fit of laughter. Some call it hormones. Some call it craziness or maybe borderline bi-polar disorder. I just like to call it life, and right now I have WAY too much time to think about every aspect of it.

An example is the thought of sending Emma to Kindergarten next year. Are we doing the right thing? Who would know what the right thing is? Then there's the thought that the school district thinks they get to decide where MY child will attend school. Yes, all other children in our district (OH, that's right...only the one's that DON'T have special needs) get to choose the school they would like to attend. However, since my child was born exceptional in so many ways...which has also caused her to endure so much more than so many other children her age....but, YES please do tell ME where the "best" place for her to go to school would be. See, I teach Kindergarten at a rural school. I generally have 10 children or less in my class, and we have a full time special ed teacher in our school. Yes, Emma WILL attend the school where I teach. THAT is the best place for her. NO ONE else needs to decide this. However, as I anxiously wait for the school district to complete their observations and evaluations on my child my anxiety over the situation continues to rise. I continually work "my case" out in my head....getting ready for the "great debate" that will hopefully never have to take place. However, I have found that it is our job as parents to fight for every single thing that our child deserves. WHY??? Why do we constantly find ourselves jumping through hoops (that sometimes feel like they are on fire no less) for things that are obviously best for Miss Emma?

Then, we have Emma the Exorcist. Yes, it makes my child sound demonic. However, lately whenever it is time for bed our child turns into someone that I have never seen before. I swear that her head is going to start spinning around soon. I believe that I have already caught a glimpse of the red eyes glowing in the dark as she throws toys at me and yells NO at the top or her lungs. It's not a pretty phase, and I do hope that it passes quickly because it is STRESSING ME OUT!

Then, we have the insurance case worker who has to call once a month to check on "Emma's status". She somehow caught wind that I am on bedrest, so today she called to 20 question me.....about ME! I had to chuckle just a tad when asked, "Is there anything that is causing you stress right now". HA!!! Funny lady:).

Ahhh, this is so theraputic. I can just feel the stress melting away:). Next, we have my husband who continually is gone on business trips. Granted, he is generally just gone a couple of days a week, but dealing with everything right now is just a tich too much. Next week is the last time that he will travel out of town until after Baby Boy is born. Can I hear a HOOORAAHHHH!!

Some days it just feels like I have one nerve left.....and it's wearing pretty thin.

3 hours later

Yes, I am still sitting on the couch, but it's been 3 hours....so, I thought it would be a good idea to post again. I just had my house cleaned. THAT is the nicest thing someone can do for you:). Apparently, someone has paid the cleaning lady to clean our house from now until I have this little guy. It is just so refreshing to have a clean house to sit in. We also have people bringing food every other day. It's difficult for Tim and I to accept so much from other people. We worry that we don't reciprocate enough, and it's difficult to be the family AGAIN that is in need of support. But, I know the time will come when we can do the same thing for others. Thankfully, Emma is at the sitters. I had her with me yesterday afternoon, and although she was very good...she still just does not understand that Mommy can't get up and play with her. It's best if we try to keep her in a routine.

Hopefully, this weekend will bring the transformation of the baby's room. Tim is planning to paint the walls. We moved Emma from that room to a bigger room last summer, but we never moved her closet. So, that is on the agenda for this weekend also. Then, next week I will begin to paint the mural on the wall. I am going to paint a big frog that is holding a sign with 3 boards on it. On the 3 boards I will write his first, middle, and last names. Then, we will put brown burlap up around the top of the room as a border. I'm excited to get things moving. I think that will make it all so much more real for me, and it will help me to see a "light at the end of the tunnel"...the couch tunnel. I've been going through baby clothes that we have been given, but until I have somewhere to put them...it still seems so foreign, like I'm just playing with dolls.

Here's an Emma funny.....I've started telling her that the baby is going to sleep in that room everytime we walk by. Yesterday she said, "No, baby mom!". I said, "Yes, he's going to sleep there". She said, "NO, THERE!"...and she pointed at the garbage can:). It could be interesting to see the adjustment when the baby comes.

Joys from the Couch

I know that I keep saying that I am going to post more on this blog....then the times get fewer and farther between. However, I should have PLENTY of time to post now. I am officially on Couch Arrest for the next 7 weeks. I would love to think that it will not be that long...but, at the moment that is what the good doc says. So, I am eagerly searching for ways to keep myself busy. Today, the best thing that I came up with was making a paper chain to count down the days...now THAT does sound like fun, doesn't it? I know that's what you're all thinking. I could write a book?? How about a book about how to make your ass larger while sitting on the couch for 7 weeks. Oh, and did I mention that I've already been here for 3...so, let's give a big HOOOORRRAAAHHHH for a full 10 weeks on the couch, on my ass, watching it get larger and larger and larger with each passing moment. It's all for the good of the baby. I keep reminding myself of that. I would rather sit on the couch in the comfort of my own home rather than be in the hospital on bed rest....OR, with a baby born WAY too early in the hospital. So, here I sit coming up with CRAZY thoughts of how to occupy my time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I may start counting how many rice grains we have in our box of Minute Rice soon:).

Dear Baby Boy....

I cannot wait to see your face! In so many ways I can't believe that it will only be 3 more months....and in other ways I can't believe that I have 3 months left. I think it will go pretty quickly from here on out. However, until that day I cherish every time that I get to "see" you and every time that I feel you move. Here is your amazing little face (that's the cord in front of your neck)

The moment that I look the most forward to is seeing your sister when she meets you. She is so excited about "the baby", and she is doing a fabulous job "practicing" her mommy skills on her babies. She is going to teach you so much about this world...and she is ready too:).

I've been looking at photos lately. The only pictures we took when I was pregnant with Emma was the day before we had her

not a pretty site. I feel so much better this time around, and I hope that it continues!

I can't wait to meet you Baby "O"!!!

Love,
Mommy

Liar Liar Pants on Fire!

OK...so the last time that I posted and said, "I was going to post more frequently" was in October. I truly have intended to post more often. However, it is amazing how quickly time can fly....and how slowly it can creep by in other areas (i.e. pregnancy). Well, here is the post you've all been waiting for:)....OK, I doubt that I even have anyone that reads this anymore, but I am typing so I can remember these times.

I am currently 23 weeks pregnant, and I am still scared as can be that the "other shoe is going to drop". You name it...I've worried about it. Everything from this baby coming too early, him kicking too low, Oh...I haven't felt him in a few hours, my husband not finding me attractive and finding someone else, Emma getting sick in the middle of all of this, Emma dying (oh, how many times I've planned my sweet girl's funeral in my head....I HATE THAT!). It is all dumbfounded...there's really no explanation for these thoughts. However, they are there. They are real, and they scare the crap out of me!

I have always been a worry wart, and the last 4 years has just made me more aware of how precious life is...and how quickly it can change. My life right now is AMAZING! Emma's doing awesome, my husband and I are more connected than we have been in a long time, so WHY of WHY do I allow my mind to wander to the what-if's? That's the question of the day, and I do believe that I have the answer to that question. I am afraid that if I get too excited about things....then I will be let down when things don't turn out the way that I had planned. Yes, it is a pesimistic attitude to have. But, I am afraid! I'm afraid to be excited. I'm afraid to be happy. I'm afraid to think of a future with a new baby that is healthy.

Do I dream that that is what is going to be? YES, YES, YES! I pray that this baby (who we know will be a boy) is going to be 100% healthy! I just need to see it to believe it.

I've had the "high risk" ultrasound with the most amazing Dr. He has told us that all is well with our little boy, so why can't I just take those words and be excited?

As Emma would say, "SOON". Soon I will know. Soon I will hold our baby boy is my arms and allow my frightened tears to leave my body and fall onto him. As they fall they will turn to a blanket of joy and I will know that our future is good. SOON!!!

Crystal Ball

Wouldn't it be amazing to look into a crystal ball, and see just a tiny glimpse of our future? Or would that be so frightening that it would make us turn and run the other way? If I could see the future....would I change it? Would I change who I am destined to become? Would I dodge the obstacles that are ahead, and would I be happier if I did? These are the thoughts of a person, a mother, a mother of a special needs child, a mother of a special needs child who is expecting another miracle to be born into her family in 7 more months, a mother who is petrified of what the future will be, yet a mother who can look at the past and appreciate the obstacles that she has taken head on and made it, a mother who plans to continue to move ahead and see the future that is planned for her and enjoy every moment of it.

We have talked about having another child for the past 3 years (Emma is 4 now). We both have known that we wanted another one, and we've been reassured that what Emma has is not "genetic". That made the decision easier for both of us. Neither of us wanted Emma to be an only child, and she could learn so much from a sibling. We have been trying to get pregnant for a year, and I knew that when I got pregnant this time I would not be nervous. I was just going to enjoy pregnancy and know that the outcome would be wonderful. WELL, here I am 9 1/2 weeks pregnant.....and I am scared out of my mind!!! I try not to be. I mean I love my child with all of my heart and soul, and I am so looking forward to a new life coming into our family, but the naiveness that I had when I was pregnant with Emma will never be returned. I feel like I have been robbed of that. Every little thing that doesn't feel right freaks me out. I know what CAN happen, and I just cannot let that go! I have tried different things, but my subconscious mind continues to go back to those first few weeks with our beautiful infant daughter and all of the things they continually told me were "not right" with her (I refuse to say that they are "wrong" because she is EXACTLY how SHE is supposed to be).

So, I've decided to come here more often and journal my thoughts. They may seem crazy and irrational at times, but I will get through this. In the end that Mother inside of me will see the future and all that it has to offer, and I will enjoy every moment of it.

Random thoughts....

So, I know that I have been bad about updating the Blog lately, but with things changing in our lives minute to minute....it is difficult to breath....let alone BLOG:). Many changes happening in our little household. About 4 weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant....we were overjoyed. About a week later I was told that it was probably a tubal pregnancy....we were so sad. About 4 days after that TA-DA....suddenly the pregnancy is there....in the uterus....right where it is supposed to be. OK, so there was a surgery, the possibility of twins, and some other things thrown into that whole week, but PHEW! Am I ever glad that THAT is behind us.

I am now 7 weeks pregnant! We are thrilled beyond belief, and Emma is loving "giving the baby (my tummy) kisses". She is just adorable. I'm pretty sure that she has NO idea what is happening, but she came up with the kissing the belly idea on her own. It's very cute.

Emma started pre-school again last week, and on the first day only had to go to time out.....TWICE!!! Yep, I'm feeling like parent of the year! However, I'm so glad that they did that because Em is really in a button pushing stage, and if she thinks she can get away with it and you aren't going to do anything about it....WATCH OUT!!! So, they let her know who's in charge, and she's done awesome ever since:).

I know this is brief. I will post again soon! Just had to jot down the little "happenings" in our world:).

Mary Poppins....at your service

I recently ran into a little snafoo while traveling along my road of life. Emma's babysitter of the past 4 years informed me that she would like to only work part time, and she asked that I find someone to watch Em 2 days during the week. I honestly felt like my world was spinning for at least a week. I felt like I had been hit in the stomach. I wracked my brain trying to come up with a person that could watch Miss Em. You see....it's not that she's difficult to watch (OK....maybe just a "little"). The child has allergies that could make many people scared just hearing about them.....and she has food issues. She also has limited speech...which made us uncomfortable with sending her to a larger daycare center. AND, oh yeah....she's immunosuppressed. Just hearing about Emma could make any prospective babysitter run for the hills.

So, Tim and I set out on the journey of trying to find a part time babysitter. We went to a larger daycare center (20 kids every day), and they said they would take her. The lady "listened" as I told her all about Em's allergies and the fact that she needs her liquids ALL thickened (she "listened" as she typed on her computer, answered the phone, and disciplined a child). We left there feeling much less than OK with taking Emma to that center....but, was that our ONLY choice??? I called our wonderful babysitter of the past 4 year and begged her not to make us take Emma to that center. She was appauled at the idea that we would even consider taking Emma there. She kindly said, "If it's meant to be it will happen. Even if it's 6 mths down the road...that's OK. I'll take her every day for as long as you need me".

2 days later I received a phone call from a school district employee (I had e-mailed everyone in the district to see if anyone knew of a person for me). Her daughter was interested and she wanted to know if it would be OK if she gave her daughter my phone number? Well....let me see.....YYYYYEEESSSS!!

So, we met the babysitter and her 2 year old little boy. We immediately liked her. She actually asked if she could dress Emma AND do her hair in the mornings??? UM....yeah:). She said she has always wanted a girl. She started watching Emma EVERY day starting last Monday. Our other babysitter is bummed to not have Emma at all.....but this is what was meant to be. She was exactly right. I guess I need to listen to that advice in all areas of my life:).

Emma loves the new sitter and her little boy, however sharing her toys has been a bit challenging. She is into hitting....and that's a no-no....she'll even tell you that....right after she hits you:).

Yesterday I got home from work and I went to get something out of Emma's drawers, and guess what I found???? Our very own Mary Poppins babysitter had organized all of Emma's room....even down to the hair jewelry (and let me tell you....the girl has a TON!!!). Can I hear you say YYIIIIPPPPEEE!!! Now, I'm just wondering if she can do the whole house???

Happy 4th Birthday Princess Em

Dear Emma,
I cannot believe that you are 4 years old today. I look at you and I am in awe with what an amazing person you are. Your love for every person that you come into contact with is so reflective in your eyes. You have the purest soul of anyone that I have every met. I learn a lesson from you every day about the way that I need to look at the world and treat others. You are kind to everyone, and you think that all people are good. What a wonderful world this would be if we could all think that way.

In the last year you have become potty trained, you've gone to pre-school, you have learned to jump higher and run faster, and you have developed a love for purses, make-up, cell phones, and jewelry that even Paris Hilton would be intrigued by. I'm amazed at your independence. You have found a BFF (best friend forever) at pre-school named Brindi, and the two of you are inseperable. I love to watch you and Brindi interacting. The games that you come up with are really amusing.

My favorite time is still at night when you are so tired. Even though you tell us you are not tired...your poor little eyes can barely stay open. When you crawl into my lap and ask for a story to be read to you how can I resist. If I am really a lucky mama...you fall asleep on my lap with your head on my shoulder, and I realize then exactly how sweet life is.

I look forward to many more years with you my strong little princess. You have overcome obstacles that most of us will never encounter in our lives....and you have won! Keep on reaching higher every time that bar is raised. Never let anyone tell you that you can't. You are my hero, Emma and I am so fortunate to be able to say that I am your Mom.

Love you with all of my heart,
Mama

This was at your party yesterday. My heart was so happy to see you sitting with your little friends and eating....what amazing progress you have made in a year!


Your new little fake smile that you give me any time that I tell you to say "cheese"! This is how you smiled for the camera all day yesterday.


Here's your Dora cake that Mama made. I know that she doesn't have any feet....whoops! You loved it anyway!


Blowing out the candles....I hope that every wish you ever make comes true!

Summer fun!

I know that it has been awhile since I have posted, but LIFE has gotten in the way. We have been so busy, and Em has been having SO much fun! So, I had to share a picture post with you about our good times that have been had:).

We went to the hospital for a liver checkup for Emma. Here she is waiting for her blood draw....it took 4 pokes to get it drawn, but my little trooper only shed one silent tear. What an amazing girl! She got a really great treat from the staff after she was done for doing such a super job:).


Then we were able to see lots and lots of family. Emma enjoyed jumping on the trampoline.


And spending time with her cousins!


When we got home Emma enjoyed playing in our neighbors fabulous "waterpark". Actually our neighbor was flood irrigating, but Emma had a blast playing in the water!


Who could blame her? I mean...look at this AMAZING yard!!!


It was enough to wear out any Princess


We went to some of our friend's house for a barbecue the other night. Emma got to hold a kitty for the first time.


AND she got to help feed a baby cow.


Best of all she has enjoyed just hangin' out with her Mama...while Daddy does grad school "stuff".


It's really been an amazing summer....and I'm not ready for it to end yet. 3 more glorious weeks, and I'm going to enjoy every second of them:).

Stay tuned.....we have Emma's 4th birthday coming up....4 years....can you believe it????