Tis the Season:)!!

The season is upon us. Time for turkey and fa la la la la. It is my favorite time of the year. The weather is cool, but most of the time it is still bearable. Everywhere you go people are still in the Christmas spirit, AND I get to eat Auntie Em's sweet potatoes (from the Mayberry cookbook). Yes, they are my FAVORITE part of Thanksgiving. It's the only time during the year that I get to eat them.

It is also my favorite time of the year because Mr. Snowman gets to make his appearance in the front of our house where he is lit up by all of the other Christmas lights that surround him. The day that we put our Christmas lights up is NOT my favorite day of the year. It comes with high tension...and extremely high ladders (which I always get talked into going up). However, by the end of the night...the beauty of the house and the glow of the lights warms my heart. It is another reason that I love this season.

We lit up the outside of our house last Sunday. This was the first year that Emma insisted on "helping". She got RIGHT in the middle of the lights and wanted to hand them to "mama". PERFECT! It may have added a little more tension to an already intense day, but the joy on her face when she knew that she helped made it all worthwhile. Here is a picture of our little helper elf. I hope you all enjoy this part of the season as much as I do!

Blast from the "past"

I know that Emma's broken arm happened over a month ago, but I just downloaded the pictures and I had to share them.

Here is Emma. She broke her arm at noon the day before, spent 5 hours in our local ER only to be told that we had to drive to Denver, drove 9 hours (through a MAJOR snow storm) to get there at 3:30 AM, "slept" for 3 hours, then got ready for her big surgery. Still, laying in this bed, getting ready to go into the ER, she wants Mom to "smell her feet" and she has a HUGE grin on her face (her arm has been broken now for 18 hours!!!


The wonderful attire that you get to wear if you are the fortunate one to accompany the child to the ER until she falls asleep. We'll never leave your side until you know you are safe little one. Oh, so the clothes scare you???? (remember Mom and Dad are running on little to NO sleep...and the "clothing" is not very flattering)!


Coming out of surgery to.....one of the same nurses that we had post transplant!!! Amazing!!! However, this time she has juice...AND she gave me a PRETTY purple cast!!! OH, and my belly doesn't hurt:).


As long as I have my buddy Elmo to help hold my arm up....life is GOOD!!!


After I got out of the hospital...I got to see my friend Ronald McDonald...and I actually LIKED him this time!!!


3 weeks later, my cast is off, and I'm back on my wild way! I'm running, jumping, and LOVING life:). My mom says that she wishes EVERYTHING was as easy as my broken arm:)!!!

Angels Among Us

I'm feeling a little emotionally empty right now. I never would have imagined that I would know so many children that would be gone from this Earth at such a young age. It just makes me wonder WHY? These children have struggled, they have fought such a difficult battle, still...they die? The parents are left to wonder time and time again what their child would be doing today...if only. Yes, you hear the typical..they are in a better place, they are not hurting anymore, they are with God. However, the parents are left here with a huge gaping hole in their hearts, and the big question....WHY? A parent is not supposed to bury their child. That is not the way it is supposed to be. It just makes me angry. It leaves me feeling helpless. What do you say to the parent that is grieving? I do not know what they are feeling. I have thought numerous times that I might become the person that would know what they are going through, fortunately my child is still here today. What do you say to the person that is living their worst nightmare? I'm so sorry just doesn't seem to cut it. Oh how I wish that I could turn the clock back for these parents and make the outcome for their sweet children different.

Godspeed Little Jackson and Dillon. May peace comfort both of your parents as they try to endure the pain of their loss.

Happy Halloween???

I hope that you all had a wonderful Halloween. Emma had so much fun! She was absolutely terrified of all of the masks, but she was so excited to be Elmo....and she was SO cute (not that I am partial at all). Here are a couple of pictures (if I can get them to work....Flickr has been a little temperamental lately).



This one was the day BEFORE the broken arm:). I was standing behind the camera, pointing to my chin, and telling her to smile. She is such an imitator:).

I'll just say it

I'm just going to come right out and say it....while I'm feeling "brave"...my child has special needs. Just writing those words makes the tears jump right out of my eyes to flow down my cheeks. It's amazing! You'd think after 3 years of this my tear ducts would have dried up by now, but I can make my shirt go from dry to soaking wet on the top in 60 seconds flat. Yes, everyone knows that she has medical needs, but when will people figure out that she has "other needs" as well. OR, have they already figured it out...and they just don't say anything? It's amazing the havoc that it wreaks on my brain and my body day in and day out! I feel as if I have aged 20 years in the past 3 years. Yet, I love that girl just the way that she is. My fear is that the rest of the world may not accept her the way that I do....the way she deserves to be accepted. She has battled too much in her short little life to not be looked at with the highest regard! I will fight tooth and nail for that child....but, why should I have to....shouldn't that just be a given?

Just my random thoughts for the day:)

Which muppet would I be?????

You Are Kermit

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know. You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems. Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green. Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

The Muppet Personality Test

My Child's Name is EMMA!

Yet another visit to the hospital...another surgery under our belts....and more doctors pushing for Emma to be seen by the genetic team. Guess what folks....WE ARE NOT DOING IT!! I don't need someone to tell me that she is not talking yet. We have had every organ in her body inspected. Truly, what would a genetic team tell us that we don't already know? Yes, they may give a "name" to what she has, but I want my child to be known as Emma....not some name to a syndrome! True, that may be a part of who she is, but that does not define my child....END OF STORY!!!

The snow that I was so excited about in my last post turned into my nightmare. Soon after I posted my last entry I had walked into the kitchen, then I heard Emma crying. She had fallen off of the couch. I picked her up and tried to comfort her. It was a cry like I have never heard before. She would not move her arm and she screamed bloody murder and said, "OWWWWW" (a new word for Miss Em) anytime I touched it. So, I took her to our local ER and found out it was broken. We sat for 4 hours while they decided what to do. After talking to Denver about our last "simple procedure" (the one where Em crashed on the table and ended up in ICU), the anesthesiologist decided that he wasn't comfortable doing the surgery (she needed 2 pins put in). So, at 5:30 in the evening we left for our long journey to Denver (a 9 hour drive). The "beautiful" snow turned into horrible road conditions. At one point we had to drive 30 MPH for 60 miles! UGH!

Well, 3 nights in the hospital and a purple cast later Miss Em is on the mend. This stay in the hospital has made my heart feel a little more raw. That is the only word that I can describe. When you think of a broken arm you think of a "normal" kid thing, but having a 9 hour drive with doctors mentioning genetics on top of it just makes you realize that people cannot just accept that this is our "normal" for our little girl. Everytime I think that my heart is healing....someone else stabs me. I accept her for who she is, and I expect everyone else to do the same. Is that so wrong????

Winter is here?

I know that it seems a little early...but, I woke up this morning, looked out the window, and saw the soft white blanket covering the Earth. I love the snow! It makes everything look so fresh and clean. The cold.....something that I am not ready for quite yet, BUT they do go hand in hand...so, bring it on:).

We got to go out and brave the snow early this morning. Emma had to get her blood drawn. She was SUCH a big girl! She didn't even cry! WOW! I never thought I would see the day. Of course, I had her pick out her sticker and the kind of sucker she wanted before the blood draw. The tricks of the trade of a Mom who has to hold her child down time and time again.

Enjoy winter where ever you are. Yes, I'm sure that even Lisa is enjoying "winter" in Florida...with her 85 degree days:).

That euphoric feeling.....

Do you ever get the strange feeling that you are an outsider looking in? (No, I do not have multiple personalities....do not call in the straight jacket). I went to Wal-Mart (sometimes I feel like I should just move my bed into that place). I went to get a prescription at the pharmacy....imagine that. All of a sudden Emma gets whisked off by the pharmacist to go behind the counter to see all of her "pharmacy buddies"...how many of us get to go back there? Then, 3 people start discussing Emma's hair saying things like, "I'll bet it's curly like that because_______, and I'll bet she gets the color from__________". Hello folks, how about if you just ASK HER MOM....who is OH YEAH standing RIGHT HERE!!! Hmmmmm?? Bizarre feeling!

Well, I get Emma back from her expedition and head to the front of the store. I chose the self check out. I get there to see an elderly lady looking curiously at the machine wondering, "where is the clerk". I explained to her that it is "self check out". She said, "Well, who checks you out". Guess who checked her out....Yes, it was me (I used to work at Wal-mart, right). Then, she wanted help with the money. So, I did that too. She said that I was an angel and she gave me a mint from her purse. As she was walking away she turned with a gleam in her eye and she said, "That child of yours smiles all the way through her eyes. Her heart is pure". Then she walked away?

Do you ever wonder why a certain chain of events happens all together? Do you ever wonder if you are just a pon on a gameboard? I know....the bizarre thoughts that go through my mind. Aren't you glad that you captured a glimpse of them tonight???

1st day of preschool!

Well, we made it through the first day. The tears, and the drama......OK...they only came from me! LOL! Emma LOVED it! She was hugging all of her "friends" the minute they walked through the door (even though she had never met any of them). I honestly don't think she even noticed when we left. She had so much fun giving the dolls a bath and feeding them, playing with the cars on the race track, playing with the cars outside, having a snack, making a Chicka Chicka Boom Boom tree...whew! I thought she would fall down from exhaustion, but NO! She wouldn't even take a nap for me this afternoon!

It really was a great day all the way around. Tim and I dropped Emma off at school, then we went and did a presentation at the high school on organ donation. I felt really strong, but soon was moved to tears...and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to stop them (it was during an I-movie that I had made at the beginning. Luckily, by the end of the movie I had regained my composure, and we did a fantastic job (if I do say so myself...I mean it is definitely something that I feel confident talking about). We finished in time to have a nice lunch at a restaurant before we went to pick up Em. I felt like I was playing hookie from work (I guess I kind of was...I had taken a personal day).

When we went to pick Emma up she was still playing hard with her new friends. Ahhh, the innocence of children. They just see everyone as good. Isn't that the way it should be? What a wonderful day!

Was this how Van Gogh started?

Emma's therapists brought some large ink pads over the other day. They also brought many stamps thinking that Emma could do a "cute little stamping project". Emma took the 1st stamp and with a gleam in her eye she tossed it across the room. Then she proceeded to stick her entire hand on the stamp pad...and that is where the fun began. The therapists soon realized that the clothes needed to come off. So, Emma found a new joy in life. She had so much fun...as the pictures below will tell. She also made an awesome picture for our wall...far better than ANY stamps would have done!







I'm thinking about sending Em's GI doctor this picture and asking him...."I'm pretty sure this isn't jaundice (from liver disease)...but, what would cause this discoloring of her stomach? LOL!!! This is actually her tummy....the finished product!!





Van Gogh.....EAT YOUR HEART OUT!!! Do you think this is how he started??? HMMMMM?????

Go Broncos!

Emma is a true Bronco fan through and through thanks to Aunt Becky and Uncle Joe! We are pretty sure they won yesterday because their petite mini cheerleader was wearing the jersey. What do you think? Wouldn't you win a game if you saw that sweet face? Go Broncos!!!

3 Amazing Years

I awoke this morning with a dark cloud looming over me....and a strong pounding in my head that suggested maybe my alter ego went out last night and tied one on without me. As the day went on the headache subsided, but the cloud continued to follow me (isn't there a cartoon about that). While we were eating lunch it hit me like a ton of bricks.....it's been 3 years today. Why do I always remember these "anniversaries"? Today marks the anniversary of the beginning of a journey that we never signed up for. There were no road maps made for our travels. We began this journey with a blind fold on, and many days I feel like I still have it on. Yes, on September 17, 2003 we admitted Miss Emma to the hospital for the very first time.

I vividly remember pulling into the circular drive in front of The Children's Hospital while tears welled up in my eyes and proceeded to pour down my cheeks. This was followed by the sobs that racked my post partum body while I opened the back door of our car to remove the car seat which held our yellow baby with wondering eyes. She looked up at me as if to say, "Mama, what's wrong"...and that is how our journey began. That particular entrance at Children's Hospital still pains me to walk through. I hope to never experience that feeling again. The utter fear of the unknown that can take over your entire being.

The memory of walking through the halls, trying to find our way to a room that was on the other side of the construction zone. Without a map....it took patience that we did not have at the time. Finally we found it, and we weeped some more as we laid our precious 6 week old child in the crib. The crib that she would spend the next month of her life in. Those bars that I would look through to see my child with tubes and wires. My child who was trying to heal...with a liver that would not allow her to. Those bars were like a prison that had trapped us all in a time that I felt like my world was ending.

I remember feeling as if I were falling deeper and deeper into a dark hole. I worried each time that I went to sleep that I may not be able to climb out the next day, or worse that someone may tell me something else to push me further. The darkness encompassed my world. The pain of the unknown was my every breath. My entire body felt it.

Today is a day of memories. They are not the kind of memories that I want to have, but they are the memories that help me to cherish my child more than I ever knew I could. Those moments are a part of my child's history, and they have helped to make me who I am today. Before having Emma I never knew how strong I could be. The past 3 years have helped me to become a person that I am proud to be. Looking back, I can tell you that the past 3 years have been amazing!

From the Mouths of Babes!

My students were working on a project today (I teach a multi-age Kdg./1st grade class) when one of my kindergarten students said, "Mrs. F, how do you make ladybugs?". I said, "Real ladybugs?". He said, "Yes". I began to tell him that only nature can make real lady bugs. He was not convinced of this, so he said to me, "But, I WANT to make a ladybug". I continued to tell him that only nature could make ladybugs...it was just not something that we could do. He put his hands on his hips and he said to me, "WELL, MRS. F. YOU SAID WE COULD DO ANYTHING IF WE TRY HARD ENOUGH".

Just when you think they aren't listening....you realize that they really do hear EVERY WORD YOU SAY! The way they interpret things in the literal sense is something all of us could learn from the innocence of a child.

Life blooms as the flowers wilt away

Life is blooming here in our little corner of the world. When I look out my window there is a heavvy haze in the air from the brutal forrest fires that are taking their toll on our surrounding states, but looking past it I can see the leaves begin to turn the beautiful crimson and orange of the impending fall. Blooming...in the fall? I know that it may sound as if I have the seasons mixed up. Lord knows that in Wyoming when the seasons are changing we dare not blink before the next season is here. I do know the difference between fall and spring (after all...it is a 1st grade benchmarks).

I guess by "blooming" I mean within our household and within our lives. Life is finally just EASY...and I never thought that I would EVER be able to say that again (and I am knocking on wood vigorously...and using strong caution while typing this). Emma is blooming! I have come to the conclusion that once you have a child life really does cease to be about you any more....and when you have a sick child on top of it...well, just forget about life ever being about you again. However, I don't want it to be about me. I stand in her glory and look at her with awe. The obstacles that she has faced and overcome are inspiring....and she continually impresses me every single day. Yes, she is blooming. She is eating like a champ, she is using the big girl potty (with the assistance of the Elmo Potty video....and it is still not real consistant...but, I'll take what I can get), she is talking more and more every day, she has a strong will and determination that just flounders me!! AND....are you ready for this???....she is going to start pre-school!!

One day a week my little princess will go to pre-school. I'm SO excited!! She will start on Oct. 5....and yes, I already have her outfit (complete with matching shoes) picked out....are you surprised??

It amazes me how much more relaxed life can be when things are somewhat "normal" (I know Becky....normal is JUST a setting on the dryer). Life may never be everyone else's version of normal in our house, but I will enjoy our "easy" moments while I watch Emma bloom:).

Rain girl????

After dinner this evening Emma wanted nothing more than to go for a walk with her new bike (for her birthday she got a tricycle that you can push like a stroller...it is GREAT), so we headed off to a nearby park. In the past Emma has liked the park, but when it was time to go she didn't make a big deal about it. Today things changed!

When we got to the park there were 3 other children there. Emma headed right to the swings. As I placed her in the swing the mom next to me (who was pushing her little boy in the other swing) asked the infamous question, "How old is she?" (innocent enough, right?). So, I answered, "She just turned three. She replied, "Oh, he will be 3 in February". OK....the child was a bruiser!! He was AT LEAST 10 pounds heavier than my tiny Miss Em:). Her child wanted down, and he ran off to play with the other 2 children. They all 3 climbed the slide by themselves and went down. I sat and watched in awe as I wondered if that would EVER be Emma? For one thing she is terrified of the slide, and she doesn't have the upper body strength to climb the slide yet. Next, Emma wanted to go on the merry-go-round, and she loved it, but I felt like the outsider as we played in one corner of the park while the other 3 children played together. It really made me sad.

However, after 2 of the children left the park there was only one little boy left. He came up to us and said, "My name is Dillon". I said, "It's nice to meet you Dillon, this is Emma". Emma kept pointing at Dillon saying, "Dillon" and pointing at herself and saying, "Emma". She loved playing with Dillon. She chased him around and followed him up the stairs (of a different slide that is a little easier....but, it was still a first for her).

Then, the wind started to blow. It blew and blew, and it began to get COLD! So, I told Emma it was time to go. She threw herself on the ground and kicked her feet. I looked around as if to say, "Whose kid is this??". So, I picked her up put her back on her bike (thank God there is a belt to buckle her on) and off we went.....and DOWN came the RAIN!!! It started raining within a block of leaving the park. I could see the look of pity from the passing cars as I just smiled at them. I really did find it quite amusing! Emma thought it was GREAT!! We were about a mile away from our house. When we had walked a little ways we came to a big tree, and we stopped to wait for the rain to pass. I was so amazed when 2 different cars stopped to ask if we needed a ride. It's so nice to know that there are good people out there! However, with the bike and all I said that I thought we could make it. Finally, it calmed a bit and we ran the rest of the way home with Emma saying, "WEEEEEE" all the way!! We pulled into the garage, and I helped her off her bike. I turned around and she was GONE!! Yes, you guessed it, she ran as fast as she could out of the garage to play in the "water" on the driveway. I think she would have played there all night, and the beauty to see her playing on nature's playground far outweighs the feeling that I would have felt if she were just a "typical" kid going down the slide with the other 3 kids at the park. Thank you rain for reminding me of the beauty of MY child:).

Hi ho! Hi ho!! It's off to work.....

Tomorrow is the big day! My first day "on contract"...which translates to the first day that I am paid to be in my classroom. The first day that I have to be there from 7:45 until 3:45. It is so much earlier this year. Am I ready??? In some ways I am. I am ready to have a "schedule". I am a person who likes order. Granted, it is nice to have a few months to do whatever I want, whenever I want (well, whatever Emma wants), but I do look forward to a more structured life. I am also ready to have some adult interaction (other than Tim). It is wonderful to be with my husband 24/7 for 3 months, but I think we are both ready to be around other adults also.

Now, I am not in any way ready to take Emma back to the babysitter. I know that she will love it. She will not miss me AT ALL!! She absolutely LOVES her babysitter (and I am so thankful for that), but I will miss not being with her. I will even miss her naughtiness that has taken over lately (pinching, pinching, pinching).

Ready or not here it comes. I am very excited to see my students. I have the wonderful opportunity to have my students for 2 years in a row (I teach Kdg. and 1st grade). I really become attached to my kids, and I do miss them over the summer. I am also excited to get to know my new kindergarten students. Now, there are a couple of parents that could give me a run for my money, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there (and kill them with kindness)!

So, think of me tomorrow in my classroom up in the middle of the beautiful mountains....preparing for my 9 wonderful students who will enter my classroom next week and teach ME more in a year than I ever could imagine!

"Life Ain't Always Beautiful....."

Have you heard the song?? "Life Ain't Always Beautiful...But, it's a beautiful ride"....I'm not sure who sings this song, and I absolutely do not like the word ain't, BUT the song truly has good meaning. Life isn't always beautiful, but when you look back at the journey it is a beautiful ride. Yes, today I can say this. Emma is doing phenomenal...knock on wood (HARD)!! She has been 3 years old for 10 days now....and she is a "new" person. It is like a switch has suddenly clicked, we've turned the corner, I don't know what it is....BUT I am hoping that there is no turning back! She is eating....like crazy! I have waited for this day for 3 years...and I.AM.LOVING.IT!!! She is eating turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, peas, carrot, tortillas, cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, apples. She is just eating, and eating, and EATING!!! YYYIIIPPPPEEEE! And, you know what!!! If life HAD always been "beautiful"...if we had not had these eating issues....then I would not be able to appreciate the pure joy that I am experiencing these past 10 days! It is like she has been born all over again! My stress has been lifed, and I feel a sense of peace that I have not felt in 3 years. No, life may not always be "beautiful", BUT it is a beautiful ride! Let the journey continue! I just can't wait to see what is around the next corner. The view is just getting more and more spectacular:).

A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words

Innocent, sweet, beautiful child of mine. Words cannot describe the feelings I have for my girl. My husband took this picture the day before her 3rd birthday, and she looks so grown up. Emma, you truly are a beauty. Always keep the innocence my child!!

Now that she's 3......

I cannot believe that my baby girl turned 3 years old yesterday!! In so many ways it seems like just yesterday when we were having her. The memories are so vivid! However, with all that she has been through....I honestly think she should be about 25! Or is it just that I feel like I am 50 some days??? Either way, yesterday was a terrific day, and Miss Emma was SOOOO excited that it was her birthday. So, now that she is 3.....She has her own "wheels". Yes, Emma got a jeep AND a princess tricycle (complete with an overhead canopy, water bottle, and a bell). She also can swing in a "big girl swing" all by herself (occassionally lets go with one hand and scares the crap out of mom....but hey!). She can also climb up her jungle gym (this still requires SOME assistance from Dad due to extremely short legs...runs in the family...LOL!). She is growing up!! I'm not ready!



OH! And the first picture is her cake! Yes, I made it all by myself! Can you believe it??? Must mean that I am 33 years old...and officially a grown up......NO! I am not ready for that either:).