WOOHOO and some pictures

First of all...the big celebration....Emma has gone a whole week without hitting or pushing ANYONE at school. That, my friends is amazing! I am just so happy. Emma hits to get the attention of others because often her brain works faster than the words can come to her mouth. She so badly wants to show her excitement or ask someone to play with her...so, she just runs up and hits them. Amazingly, the kids in my class understand this. I sat them all down about a month ago and asked them if anyone thought that Emma was being mean when she his, and not one of them raised their hand. I asked them why they thought she did it, and their answers were so insightful. I was amazed. So, while I was relieved that all of her classmates understood her actions...I am even more relieved that she seems to be expressing herself better so the physical acts are going by the wayside (at least I hope they are). Hmmmm, what can I do to celebrate this momentous occasion? Any ideas?

We had our spring program at our little school last week. I always get so nervous before these programs this year because I wonder how Em will do. Each program she has had a really really rough week the week before, but the night of the program she just shines and does great. However, I still had the anxiety going into the week. She actually had a really good week, but then I found out that her aide would not be at the program....ahhhh!! So, the special ed teacher stepped in, and Em did AWESOME! The teacher really didn't have to do a thing. I was so proud of my big girl!!
Here she is doing her thing:). She knew this dance so well, but she always has to put her own spin on it:). I love it!!!


2 days later we had Owen's birthday party. It was so much fun. I had 3 friends that all had babies within 2 months of me, so they were all there. It is so funny to see kids that age together. They really do not even notice that the others are around. I can't wait to see them together next year:).

Owen loved his cake

Owen was so upset when he had to get off the slide:(. He likes to be right in the middle of all of the action


The cupcakes that I made for his birthday. Watch out Betty Crocker:)

Happy Birthday Baby Boy!!

My baby boy turned one this week!!! Where has the time gone?? This has been the most amazing year. I never knew that I could smile as big as I do when I watch my 2 children interacting. Life has definitely come full circle, and my life is the most wonderful that I ever knew that it could be.

Everyone that reads this blog knows that Emma is amazing, but I do not write about Owen as much. So, here is a little Owen fun for all. Owen loves music and water. He is mischievous and ornery. He LOVES food, and will probably be eating us out of house and home soon. He loves to play chase with his sister, and loves it when his sister reads to him. He is little Mr. independent, and he gets so upset when his sister is playing with her friends on our fort in the backyard...and it is out of distance for him to crawl to (he seriously wants to be RIGHT in the middle of everything). Owen loves his Mama...and when we come home from daycare no one else will do (not even daddy:)...which makes his Mama smile even bigger. His daycare loves him, and he loves everyone there. Owen loves to ride in the car...and he plays "games" with Emma as we drive along.

Overall, the past year has been one of excitement and wonder. Not a day goes by that I do not realize how much more relaxing and carefree this parenting is verses the first year with Emma. If he had been our first child...we may have had 4 or 5 more (HA)....however, we will be stopping at 2:).

Life is good! Life is really really good! My 2 kiddos are both amazing!!
Here's my little baby boy a year ago


And, here he is today! Wow...what a difference a year makes:)....

Easter picture

Here are Emma and Owen on Easter morning. They were both feeling a little under the weather, and Owen literally kept his outfit on for about 2 minutes after this picture was taken....but, it was a good Easter:). Emma has fun finding eggs. We had to laugh at her as she found the eggs and THREW them in the basket....literally (picture crashing sounds!).

Here's an Emma funny for the day. Our family went to lunch the other day and anytime that her dad would hand her anything she would say, "Thank you Tim". Anytime that I would hand her anything she would say, "Thank you Mrs. F______(insert our last name:))". So, Tim said to her, "Well, aren't you little Miss Manners today". Emma said, "NO, call me Emma please". HA! Too funny!

Also, when we were on a walk yesterday, Emma said, "Today, you should call me Honey". I would say, "OK Honey". Then she would say, "No, today you should call me Sweet Pea". I would say, "OK Sweetpea". Then, she would say, "No, today call me Pumpkin Pie". And on, and on.....I really didn't realize that I had so many different nick names for her:).

Another funny (kind of???)....tonight we were at Kmart. We were in the women's clothes, and Emma gave a BIG sigh and said, "Ugh, I hate this". I said, "Well, we don't say that word, but what is it that you don't like". She gave another BIG sigh and said, "These stupid clothes!". Where does the girl come up with these things? Although she does have quite the attitude, and I don't really like that.....it still makes me smile! Is that so wrong????

Have a great week!

The Words I Needed to Hear

I've waited 5 1/2 years, and I honestly never thought that I would hear the words, but today was the day. We had Emma's IEP today, and her speech therapist actually said the words, "She is functioning at an AGE APPROPRIATE level in her receptive speech!". I have dreamt about the day that anyone would tell me that she was functioning at an age appropriate level in ANY area...so, for me (and of course for Emma) this is HUGE!!! It is a day of celebration in our house!

Other things that were SO amazing to hear in her IEP....she has gone from 30% intelligible speech to 68%. She has gone from an average of 1.6 words per sentence to 4.9 words per sentence. That is a HUGE gain in 8 months! I know that I am focusing the most on her speech because that is the area that she has made the most growth. However, ALL of her therapists were extremely impressed by the gains that she has made.

I actually achieved 2 new "areas of growth" myself today:
1) I made it through an entire IEP meeting without crying

2) I left the meeting with my head held high and a HUGE smile on my face

I LOVE Emma's therapy team!! They all work together and they have HOPE for Emma. They BELIEVE in her and her abilities. THAT is what she needs the most right now....and I am thrilled that she is getting it!

Today was an amazing day! I have known that she has made great gains this year, but to hear it from "the professionals" really was something that I needed. It made my heart so happy!

Thanks for letting me share:). She truly is a miracle in every aspect of the word! I think back to those early IEP's and today is just a miraculous day! 5 years ago I never would have dreamed that I would be typing this post:). It's a good feeling!

Made "The Corner"

Finally....today Emma has turned the corner and is feeling better. PHEW! That one really wiped her out. I had to take her back to the ped. yesterday for a different antibiotic, but this one seems to be doing the trick:). We went on a car trip today...just the kiddos and me. We were all in the car for 5 hours and they were "rock stars". They were SO incredibly GOOD! On the way home we were listening to Hannah Montana (oh course...is there anyone else?). Emma was singing the song, "Nobody's perfect". She knows almost all of the words, and she does these crazy dance moves with it...it is HILARIOUS!

It got me thinking.....(yep....here goes), the other day I was on a forum that I frequent. A mom on there is pregnant with her 2nd child. She just got the results back from her bloodwork saying that she has a 1:300 chance of having a baby with Down's syndrome. She is understandably worried, and I completely understand. This mom's 1st child has special needs, and I do completely understand her concern. I've been there....a year ago...when I was pregnant with Owen. However, what I am struggling with is the comments that some people made to her stating that "so and so" had a greater chance of having a baby with Down's...now that child is 6 and "perfect in every way". HMMMMMM....even if a child is born with a syndrome....the child is still the picture of PERFECT! That child is EXACTLY the way that God made them. I cannot look at my child and think she is anything BUT perfect....she's AMAZING!

Staying AWAY from ER

Emma has an infection in her trachea??? She is coughing like a seal, and she spiked a fever of 103 today. She has literally slept all day long. So, I took her to the pediatrician this afternoon, and she has a virus that is in her trachea. I've never heard of such a thing. So, he put her on oral steroids and an antibiotic. He said that some kids are resistant to the oral steroids and if she acts like she is having trouble breathing to take her to the ER where they would give her breathing treatments and place her in an oxygen tent. Luckily, it seems like the steroids are working. Coughing has become much less frequent. She's still pretty lethargic, but she still has her fever also. So, we're hoping the fever comes down and tomorrow is a better day. I was just saying the other day that last Easter was her 1st ever to not be in-patient. She had always been in the hospital before that. Let's home that we can stay at home through this Easter season also:).

On a different note.....5 inches of snow today????? WHAT?? When is spring going to get here? Apparently Mother Nature has not received my memo!!!

Have a great Friday!!!

Owen is a FISH!

Owen is growing by leaps and bounds....changing every day. He is obsessed with the water, and always wants to be in the tub. Sometimes I put both kids in at the same time, however it gets pretty crazy with both of them in. So, most of the time I will bath one then the other. Well, this morning as I was giving Emma her bath, Owen was standing on the side of the tub (like he always does) laughing at his sister. I went to grab the shampoo, and he FLIPPED INTO THE TUB!!! He was just giggling and laughing...so proud of himself for being IN the tub WITH his PJs AND his diaper on! It was definitely a photo moment!! He is just TOO funny! Emma thought it was hilarious:).

We've Been "Egged"

A few moments ago while I was sitting on my couch relaxing:) the doorbell rang.....it was 8:45 don't people know that I have small children????? So, I went to the door and there were colored paper eggs taped all over my front door. I opened the door to see a yummy box of chocolates on my steps with a cute colored bunny on it and a sign that said "You've been "egged"". What a fun idea...wish that I was that creative:). I wish that Emma had been awake...I think that I might put the box of chocolates back on the step and ring the doorbell in the morning (the eggs are still taped to the door) and let her go answer it:). She'll LOVE it:).

OK....time for bed. I hope that you all have a restful night's sleep. Tomorrow is our last day of school before spring break....I am SOOOOOO ready!

OH, and Emma had a full day with no hitting or pushing today! WHOOOHOOOO! I know that that should be a given, BUT that is how she shows her excitement. We have really been working on it, and I am SOOOO proud of her!! We made a special trip to the toy store (where she picked out a bat and ball.....good for appropriate hitting, right). Yeah Emma:)! Way to go little one!

Our World's Collided

On the day that she was born...our world's collided. It was not an easy transition. It was like being thrown off a cliff, falling, falling, falling, and finally plunging into ice cold water, struggling to find the surface.....I could see it, but I couldn't get there...I couldn't breath, until finally I emerged through the surface and took a deep breath....my first breath into this new world that I had collided into.

No one dreams of living in this world. When we are pregnant we do not have dreams about having a child with special needs. We do not wish for a child that has any kind of difficulties. No one says, "Yes, I am hoping that this child that is in my womb will need to live with me for the rest of her life." This world is truly a world that no one wishes to become a part of. I believe that is why the transition into this world must be abrupt....with little or no time to think about it. One day you are in the "typical" world...and the next BOOM you enter this world of special needs parents...wandering around trying to find their way. I glance back at the "typical" world where the people seem so carefree, able to do things on a whim without the methodical planning of how it will affect their special needs child.

The most difficult part for me has been the sense of being alone...as if no one understands me anymore. It's true that I am the same person that I was before Emma was born, but I have been transformed and it is difficult for people in the "typical" world to understand some of my "special needs parenting world" ways. I am more fragile than I was before. I am more sensitive...especially when it comes to Emma. I see things in a completely different way now than I did before I became Emma's mom. I long to find the mom who I can connect with...who can understand my frustrations, my joys, my sorrows, and my fears. When I'm with a group of "typical" mom's and they are talking about when their children were babies...I like to add my own stories, but all of Emma's stories are hospital related....and they make the other mom's feel uncomfortable. Heaven forbid they must be a visitor to my world for a few moments.

I can look back and say that I am thankful to be in this new world. I cannot imagine NOT being Emma's mom. I am a better person for all that I have gone through with her. Life gets easier and easier as Emma gets older. I am able to breath much more freely. At times my head is dunked back into the ice cold water, but it is brief and I am able to see things even more clearly once I come up again.

Yes, it's a completely different world than it was before I had Emma (part of that is simply becoming a first time parent), but I wouldn't change it for a second.

Thank God for Swings!

Well....let's just say that my day wasn't quite as "cozy" as I was hoping it would be. The pajama thing lasted until about 10:00...then, it was time to hit the showers and make a run to the Vortex...otherwise known as Wal-Mart. We missed a birthday party yesterday and had to get a present. Well, buying a birthday present sent Emma into a frenzy thinking that she was going to a party....then, suddenly it turned into, "It must be MY birthday". I said to her, "No, Emma it's not your birthday". To which she started to cry and repeat over and over and over and over (ok you get the point) again "Soon....soon....soon....soon!". UGH!

We return home and her amped up excitement just continued to mount....and so did her nautiness!!! Yes, definitely not a day to remain inside for my peaceful dream of a day. So, since the weather had turned into a balmy spring day in beautiful Wyoming (a whopping 34 degrees...break out the bikini!!!), I raced her to the swings...where we stayed for over an hour. Owen was really excited for the first 5 minutes or so...then he was SO over it. He remained a good sport as if he knew that sissy had to wind down or Mama was going to LOSE IT!!!

Tim arrived home and we all went out to dinner (what in the world was I thinking?). Emma was still a bit wound...her voice a bit (OK a LOT) louder than normal., but we made it through.

Both children are in bed now....coughing. Here's hoping that it is not a sign of yet another round of antibiotics in our house.

Dear Spring,

Could you PLEASE show your warm and pleasant face and kick the winter weather off on it kiester as soon as you can? We need you to kill all of those NASTY germs that seem to multiply while the winter air is hanging around. It IS April after all.....snow is in the past....we need some good ol' sunshine to shine down on us:).

Thank you!!!

What a GREAT day!

Days like today are days that I live for:)....staying in our PJ's all day, making cookies, just hanging out with my kiddos. Daddy is working today, and it's just me and the kiddos home to play:). I love to go go go too....but sometimes I just dream about having a day like today. Now, I wish the weather would cooperate just a little (OK a LOT more). 25 degrees with LOTS of wind and snow is not my idea of a good day outside, but that is just one more reason to stay inside in our PJ's all cuddled up in blankets reading:). Oh! I hear the fireplace calling me saying, "please build a fire inside of me". OK....I must go....enjoy YOUR day!

Do you love days like this? What are you doing on this fine Sunday? Is the weather crap where you are??

The Healing Place

This is going to be a rambling post....it may not even make any sense, but it is important to me to attempt to write it down.

Having a second child has caused me to really look back at when Emma was a baby. I knew at the time that it was a difficult time in my life. I knew that every single time that Emma threw up I wanted to scream and hide...hide from the reality that was my life. I knew that each time she was hospitalized it scared me to my very core...that fear that I was going to lose my baby was a fear that I experience over and over and over again. But, in those moments I also knew that I was extremely fortunate to still have my child with me. I knew that the future was before us....even though I was petrified to think about what it could be.

At times I try to embrace all of the thoughts and feelings that I had during that time. My mind can remember, my heart can feel the joys and the pains that were all wrapped into one, but I have a very difficult time writing my feelings down...or telling someone about them. Maybe it is because they are in the past, and I feel as if I should move on and bury them....after all our lives have evolved into health and happiness that we never would have dreamed possible at this time 5 years ago. But, when I sit down and really think about that first year with Emma....it will bring me to tears within moments.

Tim and I often say that we are glad that Emma was our first. We feel this way for many reasons, but mostly because we were able to focus 100% of our energy on her care at the time that she needed us most. We feel that if we'd had another child at the time it would have been very difficult to divide our time and strength between the two. We are also glad that she was our first because we knew nothing else. Granted, we knew that throwing up 4-5 times per day was not "normal", but it was all that we knew, so we were able to tell ourselves that it must be "close to normal" right? She would just "grow out of it", right?

Since the birth of Owen, I have been able to look back at the first year of Emma's life and realize how incredible it is that we all survived that 1st year. I am so very proud of Tim and myself for getting through it and continually encouraging Emma to be her very best. Every milestone that Owen achieves (incredible that they actually can meet those milestones WITHOUT the help of 7 different therapists) allows me to think back to the time that Emma met that milestone. Yes, she met all of the milestones much later than he is meeting them, but she MET them, and I am SO proud of her for that.

Don't get me wrong. I am not comparing my children to each other. They are both very unique individuals that are forging their own paths, and I love that about each of them. I am just learning so much about myself by watching Owen grow. I never realized just how difficult life was back then. I never realized how much out of the realm of normal our lives were. When Emma was almost 1 year old she was on 15 medications a day, oxygen 24 hours a day, throwing up 4-5 times a day, and seeing 7 different therapists. That was just the way it was.....and the amount of stress that went along with it I can now see was enormous.

I watch Owen and I see that he is learning to do things himself, he is not taking any medications, and he eats everything in sight. By watching this I realize how healing it has been for me to have a healthy child. I do not take ANYTHING for granted. I value every second of every day. I realize that I am finally in The Healing Place...the place that I have needed to be. I can now sit back and enjoy watching BOTH of my healthy kids playing together. It really is a GREAT place to be:).

Amazing!

It is simply AMAZING to me the calming effect that overcomes me when I hear the breathing pattern change. You know...when you're standing outside your child's room waiting for the sandman to come. I can hear her looking through the book, talking to herself, then I hear her put the book down, reposition herself, and suddenly...there it is....that moment where she drifts off to sleep. Suddenly the pattern of her breathing is so soothing. Sometimes, the half crazy mama in me creeps in and sits next to her just to soak in the calm in the room. I have even been known to climb into bed with her (which is quite an amusing sight since she is still in a toddler bed) just to listen, to watch, to relax.

Is it just me? Do you love to listen and watch your child sleep? Does it have the calming effect over you?

However, I also LOVE the laughter, silliness, constant questioning, sassiness, etc. that comes when my girl is AWAKE:).

Emma funny:
While driving in the car:
Emma...."Mama....mama.....mama"
Me...."Yes, Honey".
Emma...."You call DADDY honey...you call ME sweetie".

Geez! I DO need to get my nick names straight! I can always count on Em to keep me in line:).

Have a Happy weekend!!!

Goodbye Megan...

Yes, we are BIG American Idol fans in our house. Emma truly thinks that she will be on the show one day, and of course I will support her in anything that she does in her life.

Tonight, while watching the elimination of another American Idol contestant...I was so excited to see that Megan was in the bottom 3. Then, it happened! In the midst of her silly faces, goofy sounds, and birdlike movements, they announced that she was going home. A small cheer erupted from my living room (small.... to not wake up my 2 sleeping beauties). Then, Megan had to go and blow my celebratory dance and joy by pulling the "Mama card". She thanked her fans, the judges, yada-yada-blah-blah...then, she said it...."Baby, I'm coming home" (as she kissed the locket around her neck). Yep, that did it!! The tears streaming down my face at a girl that I really didn't like only minutes before.

While I am still glad that Megan is not going to torture us with her voice anymore...I am glad that she is going home to her Baby. I'm sure that he is ready to see his Mama again.

So, are there any Idol fans out there? I'm voting for Danny Gokey and I think Adam Lambert ("the Egyptian guy" according to my 1st grade girls because of the Burning Ring of Fire song:) is in the lead....by many many miles!!!

My Babies Are Getting Bigger

Here's a picture of my "babies". I cannot believe that Owen will be 11 months old in 4 more days! Incredible!!! I don't know why blogger has cut off part of my picture??? This picture was taken before we went out to dinner on Emma's transplant birthday. We went to her favorite place ever....PIA HUT (otherwise known as Pizza Hut). It was a great night:).

Miss Sassypants

Well, I finally heard someone say it....and I knew that I was going to leap across the room in full ninja karate style fashion...but, I didn't. I kept my cool and bit my tongue as someone said the other day, "It makes you wish that she never learned how to talk, huh?". WHAT!?!?!? Granted, Miss Em is definitely SASSY lately, but I always said that I would NEVER wish that she would be quiet if she ever did talk....let alone wish that she'd never learned how to talk!!! GRRRRR!!! Yes, if it was someone who did not know her well it would be one thing, but this person knows her VERY WELL! Although, I know it was meant as a joke, it did sting just a bit.

Here are some of Miss Sassypants favorite sayings,

"OK FINE!!!!"

"WHATEVER!!!"

"I DON'T WANT TO"

When told that it's time for bed she says, "Let's wait 5 more minutes....I'm a big girl now".

When told it's time to get ready for school she says, "Not today....today I am sick".



Although I never show her my smiling face when she is saying these things....inside it does make me smile. She just has such flare when she says them. She knows the exact context to say them in....and she has the proper inflection every time. She just makes me laugh.

5 AMAZING years

Today is a day of reflection for me. It's a day of mixed emotions. Five years ago today was the day that we had been waiting for....58 days to be exact. Emma had been active on the transplant list for 58 days, and I knew that the call for a new liver must come soon. Our 7 month old daughter was losing her energy, and she was sleeping 20 out of every 24 hours. She did not want to eat...and when she did eat she would vomit EVERYTHING that had entered her stomach. I was so scared of what our future had in store. I just could not see a happy end to the story.

Then....the phone rang! I know that I've told this story before, however in my day of reflection I feel that I must share again. That morning 5 years ago I had dropped Emma off with her babysitter. I told the babysitter that Em had very small amounts of blood in her stool that morning, and if ANYTHING were to change to call me immediately. I knew that she was in good hands, but as I drove away tears filled my eyes as a part of me thought, "Today needs to be the day". I arrived at school, and got all of my students prepared to get back on the bus to go skiing. In the winter our entire school would go skiing every Friday. I loaded my students on the bus, and decided to follow in my car....I just knew that something was not right...and I was going to be going back.

When I arrived at the ski resort, a child walked up to me and told me that they had been looking for me because I had a phone call. I yelled (quite loudly) "OH CRAP!!" (yep, that won me the kdg. teacher of the year award) I ran up the stairs and was told to call my husband. When I called Tim's school I was told that he had already left. I said, "Where did he go?". The secretary....in complete Awe said, "Angie....they called and said that they have a liver for Emma". I immediately hung up the phone, and the tears fell and fell and fell. My sister walked with me to the car as I repeated over and over, "I DON'T WANT HER TO DIE". However, once I got to the car I did not cry again....not until 10 days after transplant when she became EXTREMELY sick.

We went and picked Em up and flew to Denver to start our new life. There are so many moments of that day that are etched in my mind for eternity. One that stands out is the nurse that transported the liver to us. He had tears in his eyes when he saw Emma....we found out later it was his first organ procurement....and he had helped remove the organs and had talked to the donor family too.....what an amazing experience, but it would be SO difficult too.

We have found out that Emma's donor was skiing for her first time on that day. She was with her church youth group. She fell and hit her head. There is not a day that goes by that I do not pray for her family. We would not have Emma here today if they had not made the decision to donate Claire's organs that day.

Today, I reflect. I remember the excitement of the day...yet, I also remember the heartache that I felt for our donor family. I remember the peace that I felt as I handed my 7 month old daughter to a complete stranger...knowing that this was her ONLY chance at a life! I remember the joy when I got to hold her in my arms again, and the elation of knowing that the toughest part of the journey was behind us.

Today, I look at Emma and I reflect on the past, but I know how fortunate I am to also be able to plan our future. Emma's future looks incredible to me, and I feel so fortunate that she will also be a part of MY future!

Today is not the end of the story....but we sure are HAPPY!!!

The Real Deal

This IS the real deal.....the deal that is called life in our house. We have 2 amazing kids. Both of them are adorable, smart, funny, and can be crazy. They both have feelings, and they are both OUR children. My husband and I have a fierce love for them....just like most parents have.

Here is the deal...I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Some of you may have insight to this "secret" because you also live it day in and day out...but here it goes...are you ready?? We have just as much of a sense of protectiveness and unconditional love for Emma as we do for Owen. Her special needs are really a part of who she is, but she has the same respect from us that her brother does...and that love and respect will continue throughout their lives.

My heart tells me that everyone looks at my children in the same way. They are both unique creations...created perfectly...exactly the way that they were intended to be. My problem is that my head tells me that everyone does not look at my children with the same amount of dignity. I feel that when certain people are around Emma she makes them uncomfortable, and that makes me sad. When those individuals cannot step outside of the box and see the beauty that encompasses her far surpasses any unusual actions that she might display....I feel that injustice has been done. The Mama in me wants to lash out at the person that is glaring at her for her atypical actions, instead I go about my usual routine with a burning inside of me that doesn't know what to do.

If you know of a parent of a child of special needs, and you are looking for ways to help them...here are some ideas that I would like to share with you:
1) Look at my child when you are talking to her

2) Attempt to understand my child's actions (I know that Emma is going through a stage where she hits and pushes...if I had a magic medication to take away that one thing that Emma does....I would pay a lot of money for it. However, there is NOT a "magic cure", I AM disciplining her, but I also know that she is TRYING to tell me something and I'm having a tough time figuring it out.) So, instead of looking down your nose at me and my child...how about if you try to help me understand and TRY not to make me feel like my child is just being "A BRAT" by displaying actions that you do not feel are age appropriate!

3) If my child seems out of hand please do not glare at her or give me the look that says I should take care of her. Until you have had 5 years with her...every day trying desperately to "figure her out" you have no idea what I am going through or what I need to do with her. Just understand that she is having a moment and I am dealing with it. It will get better, but I do not want to be made to feel that my parenting styles are insufficient or that you have all of the answers. Trust me when I say that you don't:).

I know that these "suggestions" may sound whiney, and I am only one of many parents that have a child with special needs. I understand that we don't all feel the same way. But, this is the way that I AM feeling. So, I guess what I am asking is if you are someone who deals with me and Emma....please think about the things you say about her. She IS my child, and I love her just like you love your children....unconditionally!!! I always will!!

I saw a great quote today....never make a negative comment about someone's dog, their child, or their golf swing. I think I will add that to my list of life mottos:).

American Idol...Watch OUT!

Our family LOVES to watch American Idol (well, Tim won't admit it...but I know that secretly he does). Emma has watched it with AWE since she was 2 and Elliot Yamin was on. She was his BIGGEST fan.

This year it is so much fun to watch her singing every song along with the "idols". She sings exactly one note behind, but it's there....complete with toe tapping. She even has the microphone movements down to a science. She pulls the stool out to give herself a platform. Listen at the end when she says "SIT DOWN"...cracks me up!

Check it out for yourself and dial 1-888-IDOLS01 to vote for Emma:)....some day Baby Girl! Your already a star in our eyes!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Expectations

As we progress through pregnancy, our thoughts of what our child will look like, what they will sound like, what they will be when they grow up are all thoughts that run through our heads. We can't wait to see this little being that will call us Mommy or Daddy. I was just like everyone else while I was pregnant with Em. I couldn't wait to see her, and begin to be a mom. I couldn't wait to teach her all of the things that I loved to do as a little girl. I couldn't wait to snuggle with her....to hear her say Mama for the first time. These are the expectations of parents in waiting.

Once Emma was born, my world that I had envisioned came crashing down on me. Not only was I not sure I would ever hear her first words, but I was told on more than one occasion that she may not make it....I may not get to see her grow up at all. My dreams and my visions of our lives together and her future became an entangled mix of feelings and emotions. I couldn't grasp the thought that she would not make it, yet I wasn't sure what would happen if she did make it and she would not lead a "good life". That is what we were told. We were told that if she did live, and she had RTS that she would not have "a good quality of life". What a mix to lay on us. We were unsure if she had RTS, if she did they would not transplant her because she would not have "a good quality of life", she was dying as we were thinking of these things, AAAAHHHHHH! Too much information, too many unknowns, too many expectations from me as a Mom. I expected the doctors knew what was best for my child, I expected that the doctors would do everything possible to save my child, I even expected that God would know that if she did have RTS (because He was the only one that REALLY knew) and she would not have a good "quality of life" that he would take her and not have an organ available during her time of need. The raw emotions overtook me. That selfish side that so badly wanted to keep her here on Earth with me no matter what.....but, that part of me that was petrified of a child with extreme medical needs who would never walk or talk.

It was decided before Em was listed for transplant that she did not have RTS....she was just "too bright" (she was only 4 months old). She was listed, an organ became available at the perfect time, she came through with flying colors, and she has forged ahead with life.

Emma does have RTS. A doctor has never confirmed this...and they never will. We will never have it on her medical documentation or her school records that she has RTS....for the simple reason that is stated above....if it were decided that Em had RTS when she was 4 months old, she would not have been transplanted...she would not be sitting next to me right now (typing on HER computer) because her life would have been looked upon as "not a good quality". I really struggle with that. The expectations that I had for the doctors were clear....save my child...PERIOD! They did do their job, but only with the understanding that she was a "typical" child that would go on to lead a "typical" life. I WANT people (doctors, teachers, therapists, etc.) to always have high expectations for Emma. She may not always meet them at the time that we expect her to....but I do expect her to meet them...and I expect others to do the sams.

Em's life is by no means "typical", but it is of AMAZING quality! She is happier and more excited about every new experience than any other child that you could meet.

My expectations of Emma are now the same as they were when I was pregnant with her. It has taken me a long time to come full circle and truly grasp that. Although Emma is a little different, I still expect her to like many of the same things that I did when I was her age. I still expect her to grow up and have a job one day.

With Emma, every sound that she has made has been music to my ears, and now as I listen to her chatting away I am in awe.

I often come to this blog to write about Emma's accomplishments (or my own....on my path with a child with special needs). I do it for my personal records. It helps me to look back and see how far she has come. However, I also do it to give others hope. When we first heard of RTS I went straight to the computer (although advised not to). In my postpartum state, I read through various articles about RTS, and the tears streamed down my face. Most of the information that I found at the time was very bleak.

I am so glad to see more and more parents of children with RTS having blogs and writing about their accomplishments.....because Our children truly do have THE BEST quality of life!!!

A little bit

Tonight, while giving Em a bath she picked the shampoo that she wanted to use. I went to grab the other one, and she said, "NO, this one" while handing me the Johnson's. She then said, "That one hurts my eyes A LITTLE BIT". I just had to laugh. As I'm writing it, it doesn't sound very funny, but it makes me wonder where she gets some of her little sayings. This morning she came running up to me with her empty cup in hand and said, "Need water...I'm really really really thirsty". It is just SO exciting to see her speech blooming. I LOVE IT! I love that I can tell her to go tell Dad something, and she'll go downstairs and tell him...and he understands. I know that everyone reading this will not understand, but I think that many of you will. I was told that she would never walk or talk....OH YEA??? Take a look at her NOW!! HA! Life is good!

Emma was class reader:)

Every day in our class a child is selected to be the reader. It is one of the "jobs" assigned in the morning. The students think it is the best job to have. After last recess, the child picks out a book and "reads" it to their classmates. I have a Kindergarten and first grade class, so my 1st graders do a pretty good job reading the book. The kindergartners know that reading the pictures is a part of learning the reading process, so that is what they do.

All of the students in my class had had a chance to read....all of them except Emma. I'm not sure why I hadn't given her that job, but she was AWARE of it! Last Thursday, as a boy was reading his story to his classmates, Em got out of her chair and went up and told about something in the picture, then she sat back down. The boy turned the page, and Em attempted to get back up again....until her aide encouraged her to sit back down. Emma looked at the aide and said (with her hands on her hips), "Everyone reads" (using her hand to gesture over the entire group) "BUT NOT ME" (as she pointed to herself).

At that moment I decided that it was her turn to read. On Friday, Emma got to be the class reader...she did an AMAZING job!!! She read the book "NO, DAVID, NO" by David Shannon. She had heard the book so many times (it is a class favorite) that she was able to "read" it word for word!! If I didn't know better...I would have thought that she really was reading the book:). Oh, and the look on her face was priceless. She was SO proud of herself (I left my camera at home that day, so you'll have to make a mental picture). It just melted my heart...as her teacher AND as her Mom. It's moments like that that just make EVERYTHING so worthwhile!

Parenting 101

Wow! If the author's of the parenting books could have been at our house during dinner tonight, they would have been highly disappointed! When I found myself saying to Emma, "Emma, I already told you that if I have to tell you again you are going to bed"...I knew that I was doomed. I was talking in circles. So, when I turned to her and said, "If you smash your crackers again what is going to happen"...and she said, "I will go to bed"....I felt triumphant. She understood what I was talking about and what the consequences were, AND even though I was not following through (and I usually only give ONE chance), I knew that she was understanding, and she did not do it again.

Sometimes we have to make exceptions. Sometimes the rules do not apply to all situations. There is a reason that I got rid of every parenting book that I was given when Emma was only 3 months old. She defied the odds by living, and I am routing our own course in parenting. It's working for us:).

Life is Good

After experiencing a total meltdown...I am definitely feeling better. For some reason, I have to occassionally "go there". The school psychologist is the one that sent me over the edge this time. We live in a small town, and we are acquaitances (sp?)with him (I am also a colleague of his since I work in the same school district). He e-mailed me that day to say that he didn't know if he felt comfortable doing the testing on Emma because he knows us (Tim and myself). I grew up in this town....I know everyone. It just really threw me off and upset me. It just made it uneasy for me. Everyone that works with Emma is my friend...people that I have known for a long time. When I first received this e-mail, I really thought that he was speaking for Emma's whole team, but as I looked into it...I found that it was just him speaking for him....and he's a little odd. It just ticks me off because he is a professional....and he needs to learn to seperate himself as the professional...from himself as a colleague/friend. I DO IT EVERYDAY!!! I HAVE to seperate the teacher in me from the mom in me...and I think that I do a pretty good job...I expect the same from others that work with Em.

Anyway, that is where my struggle came from the other day. I just find it difficult as Em gets older and more people work with her. It's difficult this year because we have a totally different team working with her. It is a learning experience because they are getting to know her...but they're also getting to know a different side of me. When it comes to Em I am protective...I have to be, but I am also still me...I am an understanding individual....an understanding individual who wants only what is best for my child.

Kind of a garbled post, but I just had to say that LIFE IS GOOD!! I want to thank you all so much for the comments. There are very few people who truly understand the emotions of having a child with special needs. It takes a special group of people to be there for you when you need it. THANKS cyber-space friends/family....you are my saving grace!

Here is how good my life is...it is amazingly fantastic actually!

OK...photobucket is having "issues"....I will post the picture SOON!

Sad

That's the only way that I can explain my feelings tonight. I am at odds with "the system"...and at the moment I HATE having a child with special needs. I love Em with all of my heart, but I want all of the "stuff" to go away. I just want to move my little family to a remote island and live happily ever after...never to be judged by anyone ever again. My heart hurts...my eyes hurt...my soul hurts. Some of my best friends are the people that I work with, but I feel like I am at odds with all of them because I have entered Emma into our school...and I have taken on a different role...one that I did not sign up for...but I am attempting to make the best of. DAMN IT!!! Why can't I just easily navigate through all of this? Why are there times that I feel such bitterness? It is the most difficult position that I have ever been in in my life. Tears flow as my heart aches for some sense of normalness.

What Was I Thinking?

I know what I was thinking. I was thinking that it was too much work...too much of a struggle. I was thinking that I was pregnant, and I was tired, and she fought me on it every morning. I was thinking that I had never been a fan of rats nests, and that's what it was 90% of the time.

Granted it has been over a year, but I found these pictures the other day and I really found myself asking WHAT WAS I THINKING??




The BEST Halloween costume ever...Pippi Longstocking:)


Then, it happened! I woke up one morning, and I made the decision to go ahead...and this was the result




Granted, the girls hair grows like wildfire, and we just cut another 3 inches off this Christmas (those pictures were from last Christmas), and she still DOES have some curl....but I don't think she will ever have that much curl again....and I miss it.

Seriously, when we didn't wash it the day of and put curl control product in it...she could've been mistaken for a miniature Bob Marley with the dread locks she had goin' on, but I do miss it:).

I never realized how long it really was!

Random thoughts

I was tagged on my Facebook page to list 25 random thoughts about myself. So, I thought I would post them here too. Here is a glimpse into my crazy mind:).


1) I have lived in Wyoming, Colorado, South Dakota, and Arizona...I would love to live by the ocean one day.

2) I dated the same person for 6 years...all through college...married him, and 6 months later he decided "that wasn't what he wanted".

3) I'm really glad that I had my "first marriage experience"...it's made me appreciate what I have.

4) My first pregnancy was completely uneventful...my first child was NOT. She has had many issues.

5) I'm really glad that I had my "first child experience"...it's made me appreciate all that I have...and I would not trade her for the world!

6) I absolutely HATE feet! I hate to see them, touch them, smell them, ewww!

7) Desperate Housewives is my favorite show. I also like the show Weeds.

8) My sister is on of my best friends. I work with her every day, and I feel so lucky! We haven't always gotten along. When we were younger, I drove her nuts! One time I shoved permanent wave solution up her nose (from a perm)...I'm really glad that I didn't blind her!

9) I'm not a morning person! I really can't stand my alarm clock...however, once I get up and start moving I become human very quickly.

10) I absolutely adore kindergarteners. The way they think intrigues me, and I try to soak in as much of their innocense as I can. If only we could all think that all people are good...and we could all get along! They just tell it like it is...and I LOVE That!

11) I was on a dance team in college. Those were some of the best years of my life. I made some wonderful friends during those years.

12) I worry continuously about the future...I always have. I think the birth of Emma has made this worry more fierce. Sometimes it really scares me.

13) My mother is not the person that raised me, and that makes me sad, but my sister has somewhat taken over that role of the person that I need to be there. I try to be there for her too.

14) I took my birth certificate to school for show and tell in 1st grade (Why did my parents let me?? Good question). When I was walking home it started to rain, so I used my birth certificate to cover my head. Everytime I see it now I laugh at all of the smears. It is hardly legible in some places.

15) I am addicted to blogs...I follow many many blogs, and most of them are about children that have issues. I am also addicted to my own blog, which very few people that "really know me" know about. I like the anonimity of writing knowing that the people that read it don't know me.

16) Last week I was driving down the road talking to my husband on the phone. I kept telling him that he was breaking up...he sounded like he was under water, then the phone died.....I went to hang up, and realized I was on my HOME PHONE!!!

17) I want to be really skinny, but I don't want to work to get that way. I want it to happen overnight:).

18) I know more about the liver than I EVER wanted to know!

19) I am part of an on-line liver support group:). I never dreamed that would be a part of my life. I get so excited when I hear that a child got "the call" for a transplant. I always tell my sister, and she asks, "Where do they live?". I never know...so I just say Cyberspace.

20) My husband (Tim) and I were partners on many projects through college, but we never liked each other. So, when we met years later at a Karyoke bar and sang "Summer Lovin" we knew it was meant to be!

21) My least favorite saying in the entire world is, "God only gives you as much as you can handle".

22) I am in my 9th year of teaching at a rural school. I teach Kdg. and 1st grade. I feel like my families at school are my own families.

23) The 2 months that we were in Denver for our daughters liver transplant are some of my best memories (some scary ones too). I never realized how wonderful people are, and how much people really do care.

24) When I retire I want to travel with Tim all around the world...on 2 teacher's salaries....a girl can dream, right?

25) Phew! This is almost finished! I wish that everyone in the world could take a turn having a child with special needs.

5 Years Later...Look at You NOW!

Five years ago, on this day life was throwing us for a loop. Nothing seemed to be going in the right direction, and we were stuck at a big stop sign in life. There would be no going any further until it was confirmed. We could not travel any further down the road until the phone rang and we received the news. We had been waiting since December 10th, and each day that clicked by was one more day that we would stay...stuck at the stop sign....looking for some sense of direction...some sense of hope.

On January 21st, 2004 we were notified that Emma was officially placed on the transplant list, and we were off again. We were traveling down the road. Sure it was a road with an unknown destination, but we were traveling...and we had hope. The silver lining was on the horizon, and we just had to keep moving to get there. It was tough to see our 5 month old daughter struggle so much. She became more and more jaundice every day. She wasn't able to keep food down. She required oxygen at all times. BUT, we had hope!

5 years ago, at this time, we were struggling. We questioned WHY? every single day. Why was this happening to our baby? I remember a time that Tim and I went out to dinner, and we discussed the "what if'...the ultimate..."what if she doesn't make it?". It was a very real possibility that loomed over us like a black storm cloud. It followed us as we continued on our journey....but, the rainbow was in sight. We knew that the storm cloud could easily be replaced by the rainbow, as we waited for the next leg of our journey....THE CALL...the one to tell us that our baby's new liver was ready. We waited...and we waited...

I look at Emma today, and I can't help but have tears of joy. The joy that I feel that she has made it through so much. She is a warrior princess! She is my hero! She is an amazing spirit! The truth is...she does not remember back to the time 5 years ago when her life was hanging by a thread. I'm glad that she doesn't remember it, but I'm also glad that I do. Thinking back to the difficult times pulls me through some days when life seems so difficult. Thinking back to the tough times makes me realize how much of a fighter Em truly is. She has overcome such incredible obstacles, and I look at her today and I smile. She is Emma...and I am proud!

Prayers???

Miss Em is sick...and I'm hoping that it's the flu. It's amazing where my mind goes sometimes...scary places that no mother should have to think about. It is "just" the flu, right? She was fine yesterday, she went to bed, she woke up at 2:00am throwing up with a 103 temp. She continued to throw up throughout the night...just small amounts each time. This morning when she threw up it was A LOT and it was brownish red....which led me to think of blood. I was ready to call 911 or jump in the car and drive like a bat out of he** to the hospital. My husband calmed me down. We have broken her temp...but she is very lethargic. She threw up again, a smaller amount this time, but still the odd color? ARRRGGHHH!! I hate this! I'm sure that it's nothing, but it freaks me out that it could be something.

Em's big debut

I DID IT!!! I figured out how to post video:). Now, I have better videos at home, but this is the one that I had on my computer. So, without further ado...here is Miss Em counting to 15...then 100:)!

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Weight Loss Challenge 2009

It's that time of the year again...time to set the New Year's Resolution and THINK THIN!!! I got to skip that part last year, as I was enjoying every minute of watching my waist line increasing by the day. However, this year I am paying for it. I have 11 pounds to go to get to pre-pregnancy weight...and at least 21 to get to where I would like to be.

I am excited that I was finally able to buy regular underwear...I've been loving wearing the really cute maternity ones that I bought...but, let's face it...they're not the most flattering things in the universe. I was skeptical of buying any until I was SOMEWHERE close to my size.

I had a friend stop by the other day that had a baby 2 days after me. She lives in another town and we hadn't seen each other since right before our boys were born. Well, she gave me the motivation to think thin....she is skinny, skinny, skinny. She said that she hasn't weighed that weight since Middle school! Yea...I guess it's time for me to hop on the losing weight train!

OK, just had some fish sticks with the kids for lunch....do you think THAT will help me lose weight? UGH! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!!!

All By Myself

Ahhh, the silence....I'm enjoying it for the moment. However, after a little while I begin to miss the chaos that comes with being a mom of little kids. I just got done with a meeting, Em's still at school, Owen's still at daycare (nap time), and Tim has just left to go out of town. I am completely enjoying the time to sit on the couch all by myself for a few minutes and just breath.

Yes, I still have the thoughts that run through my mind. Is Em going to behave on the bus today as she makes the long trip to town? She is still struggling with hitting. I wish SO badly that I could figure out why she does it. It is such an impulsive act. I know that it's not meant to be mean or hurtful, but she just does it....I think before she even thinks about it. I struggle with it every day. Even though I know that she's not trying to be mean....it still doesn't make it right...and the other kids do not understand. SO frustrating!

I have the thought that both of my kids are on the verge of sickness. I took them both in for sinus infections yesterday, they are both on antibiotics. Owen has an ear infection and he's cutting 4 teeth all at the same time on top of it. It could be a REALLY long night! I hope not!

Tim is gone until Friday night. Although I do enjoy maybe a night to myself....I miss him so much after the first day. Also, Emma just cannot figure out where Daddy is. She walks around saying, "Where's Daddy...OH, at work" over and over....but never really grasps that he is gone. We are planning to do iChat while he is gone this time so that Em can see him and talk to him. We'll see if that helps or hinders her coping ability.

For now....I'm just enjoying breathing in...and breathing out. It's a very important thing for any parent to do...especially those of us that have an extraordinary child:).

Videos have been requested, and I am definitely working on it. I would love to share my Em with all of you! However, I am currently running into 2 obstacles. #1 when you get a camera in front of Miss Em...she clams up (so, I have to be sneaky) and #2 I'm not sure how to post videos, but that part I will definitely figure out.

My Little Helper

Oh how I love my sweet angel girl. She is such a fiesty little thing, but she can be the most loving creature on Earth at the same time. Lately, she is very determined to help her brother learn to be a "big kid". She is trying to teach him how to sign (too cute to watch her tell him "more...Owen, say MORE" while she's pushing her hands together...then she pushes his hands together. I never thought I would see the day that she would be teaching someone else sign language. It makes this mama's heart swell with pride.

Emma loves to help with Owen's bath. She likes to put his clothes in the dirty clothes because, "They are stinky". Then she will get his towel. Tonight, she asked, "Where do I put it?". I said, "On the counter". She said, "Oh, right on the counter". Then, the towel kept slipping off. She was a little frustrated and said, "Can't do it! Too hard!!!". She is just cracking me up. Her speech is just blossoming, and it is very spontaneous (before she was more echolalic...repeated everything). We've been back at school for 2 days and I've had so many comment on how much her speech has improved. It is so nice to hear others comment on her progress.

Now....Emma's having a few issues in the diarrea department and that is frustrating. I think her allergies are kicking into high gear...which worries me a little. It also worries me that diarrea causes medication to not absorb at well, and her immunosuppression needs to be absorbed. I continue to tell myself it is out of my hands. I just need to pray for the best. I've started her on a yogurt regimine along with Immodium. We'll see if it works....keep your fingers crossed.

Also, Em's had 2 days at school with no hitting, pushing, or pinching!!! That is a big deal in our house!! Keep up the great work Miss Em! You are our big girl!

Is It THAT Obvious?

We all went to Wal-Mart yesterday. Tim was spending a little too much time in sporting goods, so I decided to take Em and head over to beauty to get a few beauty products:). The strangest thing happened...a little unnerving? There were 4 young guys (late teens early 20's) that all ran back to the garden center. One of them saw us and came walking back. They were acting really strange. The one came back and said to me, "Excuse me...this may sound strange but is your name Cindy?". I said, "No". He said, "Oh, you just looked like a Cindy". I said, "No, not today", and I went on my way.

I got to the furthest cosmetic aisle and realized that he was following me (with one hand in his pocket)...and there was now no one else around. I grabbed Em's hand a little tighter as he came up and said, "OK, I know this is going to sound really strange, but I am here with my church group and we are looking for people to pray for and you looked like you could use some prayers. I was wondering if there was anything specific that you needed us to pray for. Are you having financial difficulties, marital problems, or anything else?". (I know that I am an extremist, but all I could think of was the girl during the Columbine shooting who said she believed in God and got shot.) I simply said, "No, we're doing just fine". He laughed a little and said, "Really, everything is good?". I said, "Yes" and walked away.

I quickly went and found Tim and told him about it. Of course we didn't see the guy again. However, it really bothered me when I got home. I mean at the time the guy just seemed creepy. However, what if they truly were with a church group....and what made me "look" like someone who needs prayers? Is it THAT obvious that I am a trainwreck? Really, I feel pretty put together. I mean, I have my moments, but overall I feel pretty good about where my life is.

So, I guess folks. I need you to pray for me....because, I may have just turned away the one sign from God that he was trying to tell me that I definitely need prayers?

Is it just me, or does the whole thing sound weird to you?

A Look Back at 2008

What a year it has been. A year of wonder, of unknowns, of joy, and of elation....overall a much needed wonderful year. The year began with a pregnancy. I was about 22 weeks pregnant at this time last year. I knew that I was having a boy, but was so nervous about his entrance into this world. I was anxious about his health, my health, and most importanly the impact that it would have on his big sister. I was hopeful for a bond between my two children that was beyond love...beyond the common bond between two individuals.

February was a month to remember. It was the month that I was placed on bedrest for an "indefinite" amount of time. I was having contractions every 2 minutes, and while I was not diatating contractions that close together are not healthy for a uterus that has scar tissue from a previous c-section. So, I laid on my couch and I waited, and waited and waited some more. I once again discovered the numerous friends that care, and I was priviledged to receive visits bi-weekly from my good friend and her brand new baby. This friend knew that her baby was what I needed more than anything else.....because a baby was my light at the end of the tunnel. Her baby girl, Cedar would sit on my tummy and Owen would kick her from within. Funny to see the two of them together now at daycare...stealing each others pacifiers while they laugh and "talk" to each other.

March was the month of a transplant memory. 4 years ago we embarked on a journey to a new life for our infant daughter. It has been a life full of hope and memories, and we will forever be grateful for that.

April was the month of our prince's birth. Our healthy baby boy who has created that bond that I so desperately hoped he would have with his sister. According to her...he's HER baby, and I think that he would agree everytime that he giggles right along with her.

The rest of the months have kind of blended together, but it has been a blend of sweet mixed with more sweet. There has been no bitter blended into this year. It was the year that Emma started Kindergarten, and Mama's tears fell down her cheeks as she watched her tiny bud blossom into the most beautiful and delicate flower ever to be found.

It was the year of Owen's first Christmas, and the first Christmas that Emma would share with her sibling. Sweet memories added to an amazing journey.

Our journey continues into 2009. We hope to create more sweet memories this year. It is already proving to be a joyful one. I hope yours is too.

Our self proclamed Hannah Montana (do you like the outfit that she's chosen? She's our little fashionista)


Little man:)

Happy New Year!

Happy 2009! Wow! I can't believe that it is 2009 already. 2008 was a great one....and it went out with a bang!

Let's just say that my husband is pretty sure that I have been dying my hair...because I really should have been blonde. I'm not sure if it's still just pregnancy brain or what, but I'm hoping that my memory comes back soon. I'll give you just one brief example of what I'm talking about.....so, we went shopping the other day. We went to the new Kohl's store. Well, my husband decided to stay in the car with the kids, so I went in to shop and I was trying to hurry. I finished shopping and came out of the store to see him driving away!!! Well, we were in a city 2 hours away from our house...and I had forgotten my cell phone at home (won't be doing that again). I was pretty ticked, but thought that maybe he just thought that I'd be longer and he would run a brief errand. So, I went back in and did more shopping:). I would come out every 15 minutes to see if he was back yet, and I would get more and more angry each time. I had been doing this for about an hour when I walked out, stood there with my enormous bag over my shoulder (retail therapy for the anger I was building for my husband, right?), when an elderly lady came out and asked if I had misplaced my car too. I said, "No, my husband dropped me off and he should be back any minute". She then said, "You know....I don't think I parked my car on this side". WWWHHHAAAATTT? You mean there are 2 entrances to Kohl's?? I quickly walked all the way around the store, out the door, and there was my husband waiting in the exact spot that I left him....he had never left it must have been someone else:). He was very nice about it...just shook his head and repeatedly said, "Are you sure you're not really blonde?".

OK....on to our kids. The reason that 2009 came in with a bang.....2:30 am Emma wakes up throwing up.....and exploding out the other end at the same time. She threw up for 2 hours straight! CRAZY!!! Then, she woke up this morning....feeling absolutely FINE...and with a ton of energy...that her mama does not have right now:). However, I am glad that she's feeling better.

Here is a picture recap of Christmas...sorry it's long:).
Christmas Eve cuties


Handsome young man (sweet potatoes on his face and all:)


Christmas jammies


A Christmas jammie model in the making


That's the present that I want:)


Christmas day cuties (neither of them was in the picture taking mood)


Handsome little man


Have a safe new year!

Happy Blogiversary

Head on over to Finding Normal http://debbie61497.blogspot.com/ and wish her a happy 1 year blogiversary. Her blog is one that I read frequently...she inspires me to live each day to the fullest with both of my children....plus her little Addison's red curly hair holds a special place in my heart:). Happy Blogiversary Debbie:). Here's to many many more:).

Merry Christmas and "the program":)

Merry Christmas to all! What an amazing day! We've come so far, and today was just....RELAXING! I sat in awe looking at my two little miracles who were loving every minute of life today (and so was I). Just a miracle...a blessing!
This picture was taken on Sunday...the day that we decorated our tree:)...nothing like waiting until the last minute. Today, we were getting ready to go to my sister's house. Tim had JUST put Owen in the car...and our tree came crashing down in the EXACT spot that Owen was sitting...YIKES!! WOW! Am I ever thankful that he was not still sitting there!

Emma's Christmas program at school was AMAZING! Emma was SO into it, and she actually did every part that she was supposed to do (and a few that she wasn't...but, who cares right? She was cute:)). An elderly gentlemas came up after the program to let us know that Emma was the unsung star in his eyes! He said that he couldn't take his eyes off of her. It was pretty tough....she was just so darned CUTE!!! She was a candy cane:).


I cannot even begin to explain the rush of emotions that went through me while watching Emma on the stage. WOW! She's just come SO far! To think that she is in kindergarten...and living every breath to the fullest! It's incredible really!

And....a few pictures of Owen. Em's going through a stage right now (that I HOPE is brief) of not wanting to look at the camera, so taking cute pics of her is difficult to say the least! So, I've been taking a few more of Owen:).

First time eating ribs....LOVED them!




And, of course, the bath afterward


He does clean up well


And, a little thought to leave you with this beautiful Christmas night.....ALWAYS IMAGINE MIRACLES HAPPENING:)

Burning Eyes

My eyes are burning...a few too many tears have been shed. However, that is behind me...and I am ready to forge ahead!
This special needs gig is not for the weak
I must give my all
My eyes must not leak:)

Emma will shine in her Christmas program tonight
She will not jump, or turn or hmmmm? sing into the microphone when it is not RIGHT
Her candy cane costume and her hair up in bows
Will be the envy of every mother who sits in the rows

My heart is heavy and pounding
Practice has been off to say to put it best
But onward we go
After the program we will rest

Random Thoughts...and some trivia:)

This time of the year I find myself being very random. With the pandemonium of activities that occur, trying to finish everything that I need to at school, concluding our Christmas production, getting gifts wrapped/made/bought....it's enough to drive a mama insane. BUT, the saving grace is knowing that EVERYONE else is going through it right along with me.

So, today I am going to have a random post. I'm going to start with a picture that I took of Em this summer that I just LOVE. We stayed at the Ronald McDonald house while Em was having some dental surgery done. The Denver RMH is brand new, and right as you walk in the door there is a child's playhouse. I just HAD to have a picture of Miss Em in it...because the word that is on the top is something I do every single day. I imagine life with Emma....it's something that I am so thankful to be able to do:).


The other night Tim and I were doing our favorite pastime....watching TV:). Emma was playing in her play area...when she comes strutting out...no kidding model walk and all, with this tiarra on her head. She kept saying, "See Mama...I pretty". She would turn and flip her hair then walk a little further. Where DOES she get this stuff?? Too cute!



And the last picture is my TRIVIA question of the day!! Who can tell me what is missing from the picture (wink wink:)!

Tomorrow

Sometimes I wish that I could just make my brain fast forward and my heart stop the quickening that I feel at times like these. I am a person that remembers dates. Tomorrow is not a specific date...but a very specific age. Owen will be 7 months and 14 days old tomorrow, and even typing that makes the warm tears begin to flow down my face. I am instantly taken back to the day that Emma was 7 months 14 days old. That was the day that I prayed a new liver would come for my baby whom I was watching slowly die every single day. That was the day that my prayers were answered...the day that the peace took over my entire being as I handed her to the surgeon who wisked her away to save her life.

Why oh why does my heart hurt so much to think that my baby boy will be that exact age tomorrow? I know that things are SO much different this time around...but, I think that may be part of it. I am enjoying having a baby right now...I love every minute of it! And I feel like I missed out on so much of that with Em. Every aspect of that first year with Em is a blur....except for that day. I can tell you the exact time that day that we received "the call". I can tell you what I was wearing, where I was, who was with me, what they were wearing. I remember every single feeling that went through my mind that day. That day was so euphoric! It was the day where our entire community came together to pray for a little 11 lb baby girl that had so much going against her in life...yet there was so much hope...so many prayers...and they worked! Look where she is today...AMAZING!

Emma at 7 months 14 days old...Love you so much Baby Girl!


Owen at 7 months 13 days...Love you so much Baby Boy!


Such different journeys, but the same Mama love that will never fade!

No Doubt About It....

Emma is DEFINITELY my child:) (Like the 72 lbs. that I gained when I was pregnant with her wasn't enough to prove that). My husband made this announcement this morning, "She may be like me in many ways, but she is definitely showing signs of you in her ability to wake up in the morning!". Apparently, he went to wake Emma up this morning and she said, "No, sleep more....wake up Owen!" as she rolled over and covered her head with the blanket:).

True, I'm not a morning person. I'll be the first to admit that! But, Em always has been, so this is TOO funny!

I'm Still Here:)

I did survive the sleepover, but I am still recovering from being so tired:). Actually, BOTH of the girls were asleep by 9:30 and slept until 7:30...so, I can't complain much. HOWEVER, the girls could give Mr. Owen a little sleeping lesson...he doesn't seem to think that is very important, and this Mama needs her sleep!

Sorry that I've been absent from the blogging scene. Thanks Michelle for checking on me:). I was waiting to upload my sleepover pictures, but haven't had the time yet.

I HAVE however been crocheting...and if you knew me personally you would realize just how funny that statement is. I am known for my "hot gluing ability" as in...if it can't be hot glued...it can't be fixed. But, our family (meaning my Mom, Dad, Grandparents, all of my cousins, my sister and her whole family....everyone) growing up all had the same stocking. Now, Tim, Emma and I all have the same stocking...that is crocheted. However, in the past 5 years my mom's arthritis has gotten so bad that she can no longer crochet. SO, that leaves the big job to me. Well, I got one side of Owen's stocking done and guess what!!! It is MUCH smaller than the rest of ours???? So, I am going to attempt to stretch it. Wish me luck!

We have our Christmas program coming up at school. Emma will make her Christmas program debut as a candy cane. I guarantee that there will be pictures to follow:).

Milestone Alert!!!!

We have reached a HUGE milestone!! Our first sleepover. Em is having her friend Brindi stay the night as we speak. It's 9:30 and neither girl is asleep yet??? Em's bedtime is usually 7:30. They are both just TOO excited! We made gingerbread houses, watched movies and ate popcorn. Oh, and they played HARD!! I hope they'll be drifing off to dreamland soon. I'll keep you posted!

More Polar Express

Let's see if my pictures will work now?

Emma with "Holly the elf". I was so proud of her for standing with the elf. (Notice she's holding Montel...our classroom moose. He goes home with a different child each weekend, and he was SO excited to see Santa)


Here's a picture of the train


Here's Em at the North Pole sign (all of the kids in my class wanted to know "why is it brown"...hmmmm?)


And, here's just a cute picture of Owen on his 7 month birthday. Happy 7 months big boy:)

All Aboard.....

The Polar Express!!!

We went to Boise, ID for Thanksgiving. It was very nice to get away...even if it was a 15 hour drive with 2 small children and my mother in law (now you see how I ended up with the previous post:). Actually it really was fun, and included shopping at 4 am on Black Friday...which has to be right up there with one of my favorite days of the year! You can just feel the Christmas Spirit hanging in the air:).

After shopping that day, we all drove to Horseshoe Bend to board the "Polar Express"


It was so exciting! They had caroling, and milk and cookies. We even got to see Santa (although Emma is still not a fan....I'm pretty sure that she will never be at this point). I did at least get a picture of one of my children on Santa's lap


OK...my pictues aren't wanting to work...I'll have to post them later.

Waiting List for those going crazy:)

So, I did it...I called today to see a counselor. I have times that I just need to sort through all of the "issues" (for lack of a better term) that are mulling around in my head. It's tough because I always think that I can handle it all, but sometimes the weight just becomes too much. It helps me to have a person who isn't biased to talk to, cry to, get mad around, you know.....someone who knows that I am crazy and tells me that it's OK.

Well, guess what....there is a WAITING LIST to meet with someone when you are going crazy!! What kind of sense does that make? Then, the lady tells me that if things get worse to give them a call and they will place me higher on the priority list....well, gee thanks!

The gist of it is...I struggle with the thought of others judging me, my parenting, and most of all....my child. Being around people that aren't around her much (i.e. family from this past weekend) makes me realize how much it hurts my heart that she is not understood...and I cannot help her to be understood. I don't mean with communication...I mean with her actions. WHY does she think that it is neccessary to push her cousin anytime that she wants to play with him? I'm not sure, but I KNOW that it's not just her being a brat....she just can't figure it out....and I can't figure her out....and there is no end in sight. It just makes this Mama's mind go to a very dark place....

BUT, apparently it is not dark enough yet....NOPE, I'm still seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel. If it gets any dimmer I'm sure I'll call to up my status in the looney bin:).

Oh, by the way, make sure to read my previous post. Blogger was being goofy and wouldn't post it correctly. Thanks:).

Thankful

Posted on Thanksgiving Day...I did not have internet access.


How can I possibly describe the thing that I am the MOST thankful for today? There are so so many things. But, as I look at my little girl playing out in the yard with the wind gently blowing her beautiful auburn hair, as I listen to her laugh and make pig noises while reading a book with her Grandma, and as I watch my baby boys eyes follow his sissy around the room as she plays....adoring her every move. I feel my heart ready to explode from all of the love that I have inside of it. That little miracle would not be here today if a liver had not come in time. For that day, that moment, that life changing event...I will always be thankful.

For this I have to be thankful for....however, today is not only Thanksgiving.....

On this day 22 years ago a beautiful little girl was born. The first girl born in her family, she was her parents pride and joy. She grew into quite a remarkable young woman, someone that I would have been proud to have known. She aspired to be a nurse. She was in the middle of her junior year in high school, was loved by all...including her youth group that she was traveling with on a ski trip in Colorado on March 19, 2004. I never did meet this beautiful child, whose parents named Claire, but I feel like I know her very well. A part of her lives in my house and in my heart.

Claire was born 22 years ago on Thanksgiving day. I have no doubt that today is a day of memories for her parents and family. I am sure that it is a day of heartbreak along with Thanksgiving. I'm positive that they are extremely thankful for the 17 years that they had Claire on this Earth. However, I also believe their hearts are aching that they only had 17 years with her.

4 1/2 years ago Claire went to meet her Heavenly Father. Her family made the decision to donate her organs. They made the decision, in their time of extreme grief. The decision that would save my baby girls life.

My heart is filled with sadness today. Happy 22nd Birthday Claire..thank you does not seem fitting. I feel so blessed when I think of how your legacy lives on in my sweet Angel Emma.

The Other Shoe

It is always suspended in the air, isn't it? Precariously perched, waiting...just waiting for the opportune time to drop. When do I quit worrying about that stupid shoe? When does life come to the point that I don't worry anymore? I know...once a parent you never stop worrying. However, this is an unhealthy amount of worry. Although at times it does become less, when it does come back it just hits me like a ton of bricks and consumes my entire being.

The funeral plans...yes, I have planned Em's funeral time and time again. At one time it was a potential reality. Now...why do the thoughts come creaping back into my head? Why do I feel the need to go in and lay next to her every night just to hear her breathing? Rub her soft hair just to feel the warmth?

The fear of rejection....we are 4 1/2 years post transplant and she has never (knocking hard on wood) been in rejection. However, the fear never leaves my mind. The fear of losing this liver..the liver that has given her life....and us hope. The fear that if she does lose this liver that she will not be deamed adequate to receive another transplant.

The thoughts of something being wrong with Owen. Although I know that he is healthy and thriving. The fear still creeps in that something still could go wrong. Why does he continue to get conjested? Knowing that it must be that he is aspirating (I know that he is probably not...but the irrational side of me feels this way).

I have always been one to worry, but given the circumstances of the last 5 years...my worry tends to consume my life at times. Sure, I put on the face to all who pass me by that all is well. But, as I walk tall with my head held high in the air, please watch for the occassional flinch, the odd ducking motion that I may make. It is that shoe that I see...just hanging there...suspended for only my eye to see.

Waiting...waiting....waiting. Oh please, dear shoe, go take a jog! Please leave me alone. I do not want to ever see or feel you drop again.

What, Where and Why?

The "parent/teacher" conference went great! I really think that teacher knows her stuff, and she is such a sweet and kind person (wink), and that parent....WOW! I've never seen a more motivated individual. She knows all of the latest techniques and I can tell that she knows EXACTLY what to do with her child. Yes, I don't think that she ever has a problem controlling her child in any way, shape, or form (not only a wink....but body is going into full twitchy motion here folks).

No, seriously our conference really did go well. Em's special ed teacher joined us in our living room at 7:30 PM tonight...after Emma had gone to bed. We all talked about the amazing progress that Emma has made. We also talked about how much her glasses have helped her, and how much it has hindered her to have broken them (UGH!) and not to have had them the last week!!! It's like she could suddenly see the world....then it's taken away again. Yes, I am planning to get her a 2nd pair, but we need to make sure this is the correct RX before we get another pair. WHEW!! Enough said about that! Em's doing GREAT!

Now, onto my husband. All that I have to say about that is that I love him DEARLY! However, I am coming back as a man in my next life simply so I can pick and chose the times that I get up in the night to help with child #1 or child #2. Grrrr! Why is it I only get a break when HE decides that he can help out? Why can't it be the other way around? I know......because I'm the momma. Good reason. It's just that today I am REALLY tired!

Oh, did I mention that BOTH of my kids have pink eye, my own eyes are starting to burn (I think maybe it's all in my head), AND Emma failed her hearing screening in BOTH ears. So, basically my baby girl can't see right now due to her broken glasses. What she can see is all goopy, and on top of that...she can't hear worth a darned right now either.

What is this world coming to??? CALGON!!! I hear you calling!!! TAKE ME AWAY!!!

To Worry or Not to Worry?

That is the question here. Emma's parent/teacher conference is tomorrow night. Ha! Ha! I am the parent AND the teacher. SO, do you think I should be more worried about meeting with that crazy mom or meeting with the slave driver teacher?? I'm feeling a little bit of a split personality disorder coming on:).